There you are, minding your own business in the grocery store, doing your weekly shopping with your toddler in tow, when your little one pipes up at high volume: “Mommy, that man is fat!” Or you’re at the playground trying to enjoy the outing with your tot when she lashes out at you right there by the swings: “I hate you! You’re stupid!”
Recoiling, you look around and wonder whether other parents are getting the same kind of talk. The answer? They definitely are (even if you don't see it).
Every toddler at one time or another can be rude, whether it’s intentional or not. While your cutie's comments can be embarrassing at best and just plain hurtful at worst, developmentally, they're fairly par for the course.
So how do you teach your tot to hold her tongue? And how do you let her know that contrary to the adage about sticks and stones, some words can hurt?
Here's why your toddler can be such a pro with unpleasant language and the best way to handle rude behavior in toddlers.
Is my toddler's disrespectful behavior normal?
Mean or inconsiderate words from your 1- or 2-year-old's mouth can throw you off-guard. It can be hard to hear your normally sweet tot spouting nasty comments, whether she seems to mean what she’s saying or not. You might start to wonder, too, if you're doing something wrong on the parenting front.
Allow yourself that sigh of relief: There's nothing wrong with your toddler or your parenting. Unkind or thoughtless behavior is common among very young kids, in part because they are naturally blunt and have no filter. In fact, it's developmentally normal for a toddler to behave egocentrically, since she hasn't yet come to understand the idea that other people have feelings just like her.
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Even in cases where it seems like her callous comments are completely intentional, she's a long way from understanding the full weight of her words.
It won't always be this way, of course, and just because your toddler says hurtful things now doesn't mean that she's on the way to becoming a bully. Kindness and empathy are learned skills that your sweetie will continue to hone as she sees them being practiced in the real world. And it all starts right at home.
Toddlers are also known for rudely interrupting people when they're talking or doing something else. This is also completely normal. Not only are they not developmentally able to understand how interruptions make other people feel, but they also lack impulse control and are self-centered, so all they're thinking about is getting what they want (like attention from you) when they want it. They're not old enough to understand how to respect others.
That said, it never hurts to check in with your child's pediatrician if her rude or disrespectful behavior becomes concerning or seems very out of character. Together you can determine if your toddler's behavior issues are being caused by an underlying problem that needs to be addressed.
Tips on how to deal with a toddler's rude behavior
Your toddler is too young to truly ponder how her words might make another person feel. But it's never too early to begin sowing the seeds of empathy and showing your tot that what she says and does can affect others. The best way to do that? Model the behavior that you want to see and offer plenty of praise when she uses kind words and actions.
Use the language you want to hear. When your toddler hears you and other members of the family speaking kindly to each other, she'll learn to follow suit. Say please and thank you, ask others how they're feeling, greet people and say goodbye, and avoid cursing, for instance. And if you catch yourself saying something less-than-savory to someone else (it happens!), make sure your toddler hears you apologize sincerely.
Respect your toddler's time. Set a good example by not interrupting your time together for a task you can do or a call you can make later (when she's asleep or otherwise occupied).
Make a big deal when your toddler is kind. Don't let your child's thoughtful behavior go unnoticed. When she does or says something considerate, pile on the praise and point out how good she made the other person feel.
Respond without insult. It's okay to tell your toddler when she's said something hurtful, but be constructive. Saying "When you say you hate me, it makes me feel sad," is more effective than "You're such a mean girl!".
- Avoid interrupting other people. If you show your toddler how to be a respectful, good listener to others, she'll learn how to adopt the same behavior herself, eventually.
Let (some) comments roll off you. If you're dealing with potty talk that's annoying but not truly hurtful, consider simply ignoring it. Getting a rise out of you for saying "Poopyhead!" only encourages your tot to repeat it (and repeat it, and repeat it).
Set limits — and enforce them. On the other hand, if certain comments or behaviors are simply unacceptable, let your toddler know and be ready to dole out an appropriate consequence if the words come out. Playtime might have to stop, for instance, if she calls her brother stupid or tells him to shut up.
Stay calm. Keeping cool when you're flustered will encourage your toddler to do the same (and keep the situation from escalating into a full-blown battle). Plus, seeing you fly off the handle can be scary for your tot.
Avoid threats. Saying "Stop it or else!" usually doesn't work and sets the stage for a power struggle.
Redirect as needed. Rather than make threats, try to move on. If your toddler is having a blast yelling about butts in the supermarket, distract her with a funny joke or story.
Anticipate trouble spots. Toddlers are more prone to lashing out when they're hungry or tired. Keep meals and wholesome snacks consistent and make sure she's getting enough sleep at nap- and bedtime.
Should there be consequences for a rude, disrespectful toddler?
Consequences can send the message to your toddler that rude or disrespectful behavior isn't acceptable. But in order for them to be effective, the consequences have to be age-appropriate — and you have to dole them out quickly.
If the consequence for calling you a dummyhead at breakfast is not getting to watch a favorite show before dinner, your toddler won't make the connection and will likely just end up frustrated.
So how can you use consequences to send the message that mean or naughty language won't pay off? Consider these strategies:
Make the punishment fit the crime (and happen right away). Connect your child's consequence with her behavior ASAP. If she says she hates you at the playground, tell her it's time to go home.
Or do a short time-out. A brief break from the action gives your child a chance to regroup. Save time-outs for toddlers 2 and over, though. Younger tots will have a hard time staying in one place and likely won't understand why they're being isolated.
Give your child a specific warning. If you notice your toddler's rude language is starting to ramp up, let her know what will happen if she continues. You can say something like, "If you call your brother stupid again, bathtime will be over."
Dole out discipline with love. Remind your toddler that you love her, even when you have to enforce a consequence. You can say, "I love you, but we still aren't allowed to use unkind words." Avoid withholding affection as a punishment or criticizing your child by calling her mean or bad for using rude words.
Explain why the behavior is rude. Give a short, simple explanation for why commenting on someone’s appearance, name-calling and being unkind are not polite or nice. Tell your child they hurt people’s feelings so that she understands that rude behavior can make someone else feel bad.
Stick with it. Facing the music once or twice probably won't be enough to help your toddler get the message that disrespectful language won't be tolerated. But she'll eventually make the connection if you hold steady with your discipline strategy.
Never use physical punishment. Never hit, shake or spank your child as a form of punishment. Avoid threatening, shaming and insulting her too. These actions won't help, and they can make behavior problems worse.
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