It’s got to be one of the most annoying remarks made by strangers when you're a parent. Right up there with “Shouldn’t that baby be dressed more warmly?” is the dreaded “Just wait 'til she’s 2!”
Even the most laid-back parents might feel a stab of fear hearing those words, especially when their 16-month-old is dissolving into a howling puddle of misery in the checkout line.
There is some truth to the rumblings about the so-called terrible twos, though they can actually start earlier or later and may last through preschool. But the terrible twos don’t have to be so terrible. Sometimes they can be pretty terrific. All you’ll need is a few tantrum-taming tactics, a sense of humor and a big dose of understanding and compassion.
Here’s what you need to know to get through the phase known as the terrible twos (and turn it into the terrific twos!).
What are the terrible twos?
The terrible twos is a phase that starts around age 2 (give or take) and is characterized by frequent temper tantrums, rapid mood changes and other sometimes-difficult impulsive behaviors.
One minute, your little angel will be playing happily with his toys, and the next he’ll be throwing a frustrated fit for reasons that are tricky to figure out. Or he’ll stubbornly insist that he wants a blue sippy cup when all you have are red and green ones — and then have a full-on meltdown when you gently remind him what's available.
Why is your toddler acting this way? One main reason is that kids this age are going through big developmental changes, and toddlers' thinking and emotions have become more sophisticated. Your child can understand a lot of what you say and he can ask for things, even if it’s not always clear (and comes with lots of pointing). He can do more on his own too.
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But as independent as he is, there’s a lot that’s still not in his control. The result: A generous helping of frustration leading to a more-than-fair share of meltdowns, which is why this phase has a not-so-stellar rep and scary-sounding name. Just remember that there's plenty of "terrific" to go along with the "terrible"!
When do the terrible twos start?
The terrible twos is a bit of a misnomer, since the stage can start anytime between ages 1 and 3.
The range in the onset of this phase makes sense. After all, it's understandable why a toddler would feel sad, frustrated or tired when he doesn't have all the words he needs to communicate what he wants from you.
He can't always verbalize, for instance, that he doesn't want to go to the doctor's office or does want to go to the playground (and doesn't want to leave once you get there).
Plenty of your toddler's wishes — from eating cookies for breakfast to staying on the swings past dinnertime — are those you can't always (or ever) grant, which is another source of frustration and confusion for a very young child.
Your little one also has lots of feelings, but very few strategies for keeping them in check.
All that explains why the toddler years and specifically the so-called terrible twos can be particularly challenging for you and your child.
Signs of the terrible twos
Not all toddlers will have all (or any) of these terrible two "symptoms." That said, there are some common behaviors that are the hallmark of this stage, including:
Frustration. Your toddler will get discouraged for obvious reasons (he can’t toss the ball into the toilet) and not-so-obvious ones, like being served sandwich triangles instead of halves.
Outsized emotions. He’ll giggle uncontrollably at something funny or screech in despair, both at the top of his lungs.
Biting, hitting, slapping and other antisocial behaviors, usually aimed at his parents, other children he's in contact with, and his sitter or day care teachers.
Tantrums. Lots of these!
A desire to do everything by himself, especially when you’re in a rush.
Crankiness, especially around nap and meal times.
How to deal with the terrible twos
The easiest way to handle the terrible twos is to try to keep your calm (yes, easier said than done), think of this stage as more positive than negative (which in many ways it is!), and keep these tips in mind:
Stick to a routine as much as possible. Toddlers love predictability because it makes them feel safe. So try to aim for regular eating, playing and sleeping times.
Be mindful of fatigue and hunger. We all get cranky when we’re tired or ravenous. So carry a bunch of healthy snacks around to stave off hunger pangs and try not to run errands too close to naptime.
Give your tot choices. Let him choose whether to eat cereal or a waffle for breakfast or whether he wants to wear the red or gray sweatshirt. The more say he has in little things, the less frustrated he’ll be. Just make it clear that he has no choice when it comes to safety, so the car seat isn’t optional — but the book he wants to take along is.
Have a distraction ready when your toddler is close to a meltdown. Sometimes dealing with the terrible twos is as easy as telling knock-knock jokes, singing a silly song or going into another section of the park (or the house).
Pick your battles. Saying “no” to every request can make your toddler feel unheard. So give in sometimes — within reason. Head to the playground for a few minutes after you’ve picked your cutie up from day care. Just don’t cave into a demand during a tantrum.
- Catch him being good — and give him props for it: "Thank you for asking so nicely and using your words," or "You were so patient when we were waiting in line. Thank you — now we can go play."
When do the terrible twos end?
How long do the terrible twos last, you ask? Well, they can continue until your child is 3 or even 4.
But before you panic, remember: As your child learns self-control and has more ways to express his thoughts, he won’t get as frustrated — and he’ll have fewer tantrums. Still, you can probably expect meltdowns after a particularly hard day at school or when he’s tired or hungry (or both) at least until he turns 4 or sometimes even 5.
Although having temper tantrums is part of normal toddler behavior, check in with your health care provider if the tantrums are severe, last 15 minutes or longer, or often involve self-harm to the child or injury to his caregiver or siblings. Also ask your pediatrician about tantrums that go well past your little one's fifth birthday.
What comes after the terrible twos?
More fun! Your preschooler will enjoy playing pretend, which will give him outlets to be the boss. And because you’ve given him the words to describe his emotions, he can tell you how he feels instead of screaming or yelling.
Keep setting limits and giving him some options. Pretty soon, the terrible twos (aka the terrific twos) will morph into the thrilling threes ... the fabulous fours ... and the fantastic fives!
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