What to Do if Your Toddler Keeps Running Away

You look around at a crowded mall, fair or zoo, and suddenly your toddler, who you were just chatting with, is nowhere to be found. You start to panic and call her her name. In most cases, after a few seconds of complete worst-case scenario thinking, you find your toddler nearby looking at a fascinating bug or just meandering. 

Finding the balance between allowing your toddler a bit of freedom to explore and keeping her safely beside you can be a hard line to walk. Here's how to help your toddler stay safe while allowing her enough freedom to explore the vast world around her.

Why do toddlers run away?

Understanding the inner workings of your toddler's mind can seem like navigating another planet. Many parents wonder what motivates toddlers to head off on their own in crowded or unfamiliar settings. Here are a few reasons why your toddler might venture off alone:

She isn't on a schedule

While you're hoping to make it through the busy grocery store before preschool drop-off, your toddler is much less concerned with time. Excursions to explore don’t have any negative consequences in her mind, motivating her to take detours even when you're in a rush.

She wants something specific

Whether it's the ice cream truck passing by or a plush stuffed animal in a gift shop, she sees something she wants and goes for it. Toddlers are goal-directed, meaning that they might wander with a specific purpose in mind without considering the potential dangers or obstacles involved.

She's escaping something overwhelming

Even before you realize something is stressing your toddler out, she might take off. Maybe she became scared of someone or had a startling thought about the big dog across the way.

Instead of communicating a need for comfort, she might flee as part of a natural "flight or fight" reaction. Kids have a limited capacity for dealing with the stress that fear and anxiety can cause. 

She gets confused and can't find you

One of the simplest explanations for toddlers wandering off is when they simply get separated from their parents in public.

This can happen innocently enough if a parent keeps walking but a toddler stops to do something. She then loses sight of you before you've realized she's fallen behind.

She may have a behavioral or developmental condition

Children with autism spectrum disorder and those with other behavioral or developmental challenges are more likely to wander away from their caregivers. More than half of parents of children with autism say their kids wandered off at least once between the ages of 4 and 5, when those behaviors typically start to decrease, a recent study found.

What to do when your toddler wanders off

The initial panic you feel when your child is gone can hit hard. You might find your body and mind starting to race while you figure out what to do. The good news is that most of the time children are found quickly and unharmed when they go missing, and they're reunited with their parents after just a short time. 

If you become separated, there are concrete and helpful steps you can take to find your child as soon as possible:

Get loud and specific

While you might not want to startle those around you, it's important to not waste precious minutes caring what strangers think. Instead, loudly shout your toddler's name. If that doesn't work right away, you can switch to shouting a description of your child, such as, "I'm looking for a girl, age 3, with blonde hair and a blue shirt." 

Repeat this over and over, getting the people around you to start looking too. You can also continue shouting your child's name, which she'd likely respond to, intermittently.

Think about nearby locations she might have gone to

If you don't see your child right away, take a few deep breaths and think about where to look first. If you walked by her favorite park, it's possible that your toddler may have detoured there without asking you. 

Without straying too far from the area where your child got lost, think about and check places nearby that might have attracted her. You can do this while continuing to shout her name and a description at the same time. 

Alert authorities ASAP

Especially in crowded places, there are often procedures in place to help find missing children quickly. If you're at an amusement park, for example, staff members and police on-site can start looking right away. 

If you still can't find your child, immediately call 911, especially if you're in a place that might pose a danger, such as a busy city street or a beach.

How to prevent your toddler from running away

Even the most attentive parents can lose track of their toddlers for a short time. Here's how to lower the odds you'll be separated, and how to reunite quickly and safely if it happens.

• Be firm when you need to. When you're on a tight schedule or safety is a concern, explain to your child that she can't leave your side — she has to either hold your hand or sit in her stroller. She's less likely to make a fuss if you distract her with questions, comments, silly songs and thinking games. ("I see a yellow truck. Can you spot something else that's yellow?")
• Teach her the rules of the road. Those include not running into the street or a crowd; stop, look and listen at every corner; stay put when you ask her to; and so on. To make your point, let her walk without holding your hand when it's safe to do so. Then tell her to hold your hand when necessary and if she disobeys, put her back in the stroller or firmly take her hand. Explain that she can't walk on her own (like the big girls do) unless she can follow the rules.
• Repeat (and repeat) them. Keep in mind that it'll take a lot of repetition before the rules sink in. By about age 3, in a safe setting, you may be able to let your child run (a little bit) ahead of you if she's demonstrated she can follow the rules.
• Indulge her curiosity. When you have the time and you're in a safe environment (e.g., a meadow near your house), let your child rush ahead or lag behind to her heart's content. Have fun calling to each other about what you both see or challenging each other to "catch up."
• Keep your eyes on your child. No matter how obedient she usually is or how safe a situation may seem, always be ready to run after her at a moment's notice. If you know you'll be distracted, like when you need to send a text or look up directions, hold your child's hand or secure her in the stroller until you can give your undivided attention again.
• Rehearse important info. Teach your child her first and last name as well as your first and last name and phone number. Practice multiple times per week to ensure she has this information downpat. It can also be helpful to start teaching her your address, which may take some time, but even a street name can guide first responders if needed. In a pinch, write your phone number in marker on your child's arm before heading to a crowded place where you could get separated.
• Create a reunification point. When you go out in public, explain to your child that if you get lost, she should find the big yellow sign, for example, and show her that sign. You can also teach her how to find workers at the facility by showing her what they look like. ("Here is a woman in a red shirt with writing on it like this. You can ask anyone in these red shirts for help if you get lost.")

Are toddler leashes bad? 

A toddler "leash" (also known as a child safety harness) is a harness designed to prevent a child from running off. It typically fits around the chest and shoulders and attaches to a rope that a caregiver can hold. (Sometimes, the child wears a backpack with a rope attached to it instead.) While some people swear by them to ensure their toddlers' safety, others say there are better ways.

Though researchers haven't specifically studied the mental and physical impacts of child leashes yet, some pediatricians worry that toddler leashes can become a substitute for attentive parenting. 

What's more, they can create a power struggle with children physically pulling on their parents and the parents pulling back, teaching them to use their bodies to go wherever they please instead of listening to parental guidelines and directions. 

A toddler leash can also pose a physical danger to the parent, who could suffer an injury if it's a wrist leash and the child takes off. Having a child leash around also presents a potential choking hazard, much like a blind cord.

What to try instead of a toddler leash

It's important to set strong boundaries and teach appropriate skills for staying with a grownup in public, but what's a parent to do if a toddler has a tendency for running off? Carriers and strollers remain good options while you continue to instill those lessons in your child. 

You are not a bad parent if you lose your child for a short period of time. You are also not a bad parent if you decide you need a stroller, wagon, backpack or another device to ensure your child stays right with you in a potentially dangerous environment.

It's hard to balance allowing your toddler some freedom to explore while also keeping her safe from potential dangers from water to traffic to strangers. But using your gut instinct, paired with attentive parenting, can help you know how much and how far to let her go while keeping her safe.