Sooner or later, your toddler is going to let fly her inner troublemaker. And when that day arrives, you’ll want to know how to discipline your toddler.
The key: Having plenty of tricks in your toddler discipline toolkit. That’s because not all discipline strategies fit the crime. Some, like time-outs, are best for more "serious" offenses, while others better suit irritating behaviors like whining.
Whichever toddler discipline approach you choose, though, there are some basic discipline rules to follow. First, be consistent. So if you give a consequence on Monday because your little gymnast is jumping on the couch, don't ignore her leap off the sofa on Wednesday. Second, act quickly so your tot begins to link her behavior with the consequence. Third, discipline with love — after all, "discipline" means to teach, and it’s your job to teach your tot self-control and right from wrong. And finally, never spank your child or be verbally cruel — neither form of discipline is effective and both can have a negative impact in the long run.
The good news: If there are immediate and real consequences for bad behavior, your toddler — even at this young age — will quickly start to realize that naughtiness does not pay off.
Here are seven tried-and-true discipline strategies to consider the next time your toddler acts out.
Time-outs
The theory behind time-outs for toddlers is that they allow a child to cool off and get back in control after misbehaving. Plus, they have the added benefit of depriving an attention-loving toddler (and what toddler isn't attention-loving?) of attention for a few minutes.
The problem with time-outs is that some parents overuse them. Plus, they’re best suited for toddlers over 2, who are better able to grasp why they’re being banished to the corner. To make time-outs more effective:
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Keep them short — no more than one minute per year of age. The younger the child, the shorter the time.
Save them for serious misdeeds — unsafe or aggressive behaviors like running into the street, hitting or biting.
Don’t scold, lecture or argue when giving a time-out. Use a calm, firm voice.
Find a safe, but boring space — a hard-backed kitchen chair facing a wall or a corner of the hallway make great time-out spots. You don’t want your child playing or having fun in time-out.
Stay close by in case your child tries to wander off. When that happens, walk her back to the corner or chair and re-start the clock.
Time-ins
Think of time-ins as a kinder, gentler form of time-outs. A time-in is a brief, close, positive interaction with a parent or caregiver. Time-ins allow a child to cool off with you, so you can talk about what happened and how it could be done better the next time. To make this approach work:
Pick a neutral place to calm down, like the sofa, and go there together.
As your child cools off, hug her or put your arm around her shoulder. Name her feelings in a short, toddler-friendly way. ("You’re angry because you wanted the green crayon. But Luke was using it.")
Explain what your child might be able to do next time without hitting or otherwise behaving badly. ("We can set a timer. When it rings, you get the green crayon.") Again, be brief.
The trouble with time-ins is that sometimes kids are too wound up to talk about their feelings or listen to reason. In that case, try a hybrid approach. Create a peaceful spot with your toddler where everyone (yes, you too) goes when they’re overwhelmed or out of control. Maybe it’s a blanket or a yoga mat and a cushion (but be sure to keep it clear of toys). Then explain what it’s for ("This is where we go when we get mad or sad"). The next time your child hits her playdate friend or breaks a rule, take her there. Then let her know that once she’s calm, she can play again.
Take away a toy or privilege
Another classic method for disciplining a toddler is to take away a privilege or toy, especially one that's related to your little one’s offense. Just make sure the consequence comes quickly — after all, you want to make sure your child connects it with her misdeed so she learns from the experience.
That means you don't deprive your toddler of her favorite doll for an unrelated offense like snatching her brother's coloring book.
To make this technique stick:
Make sure your toddler knows the rules first (:We don’t grab things. We always ask to share.")
The first time she snatches her brother’s coloring book, give a brief warning. ("We don’t grab. If you continue, I’ll take it away.")
If your tot still grabs her brother’s coloring book, take the book away from your toddler, and take away her crayons for a limited period of time.
Give a brief explanation (or re-state the rule).
Once you get the hang of this discipline strategy, you'll be surprised at how easy it is to master. The key is following through. For instance, if your tot won't stop pouring water out of the tub, give a warning first and then if she continues, bathtime is over — immediately. If she keeps tossing her food, whisk her out of the high chair and call it a meal.
Rewards
Another way to discipline a 2-year-old or 3-year-old? Use positive reinforcement. Rewarding good behavior teaches toddlers that following the rules can pay off. You don’t have to go all out — even a high-five or an extra story can be powerful motivators for toddlers. Just tie the reward to the behavior, by saying, "You didn’t pour water out of the tub tonight. Let’s read an extra story at bedtime."
Slightly older toddlers and preschoolers can think ahead, so give a sticker or a big star for behaviors you want to encourage (sharing toys with siblings, say). Or keep track with a chart. When your toddler sticks to the rule three times, trade the three stickers for a reward that she really, really likes (ice cream with you, or a small toy). As she gets older, up the ante: Five times in a row, say.
To get the biggest bang from positive reinforcement:
Tie the reward to one or two age-appropriate behaviors.
Explain the system to your toddler.
Have some rotating rewards and make sure they are things your tot is still interested in.
Distraction
This discipline trick is also known as redirecting, because you’re turning your toddler’s attention to something else so she forgets about the temptation to break the rule. Sometimes this can stop a toddler tantrum or some minor offense, and it’s a great strategy for the under-2 set.
For instance, say your tot is busily pulling books from the shelf. Divert her attention by opening one of the books and looking at the pictures together briefly — then have her help you put the books away. Afterward, remove the temptation by giving her another toy (a toy she hasn’t seen in a while, preferably) or taking her into a different room.
Ignore the behavior
Kids will do anything for your attention, even if you’re yelling or telling them to stop doing something. If your child is whining or having a meltdown, sometimes the best thing to do is withdraw your attention.
Of course, you want to make sure your child isn’t trying to get your attention because she’s sick or hurt, or she’s in danger of spinning out of control and hurting herself.
Ignoring something works best when it’s an irritating minor crime (tugging at your shirt or interrupting). You can say, "I’ll pay attention when you stop whining," but if your child continues, stop responding or making eye contact.
Catch your child being good
This is similar to the rewards strategy, but the idea is to call out behaviors on a regular basis that you want to reinforce and encourage. "You didn’t grab the coloring book — way to go!" or "You put away the toy yourself. Thank you!" Again, the trick is to notice and praise as soon as your toddler is following a rule, sharing or doing something you want her to keep doing.
When it comes to toddler discipline, there are as many effective discipline methods as there are toddlers. It’s a parent's endless challenge to find what works best for her child at any given time.
Once you do settle on a few effective methods, be consistent and follow through. And make sure your partner, if you have one, knows the rules too and is prepared to enforce them. For toddler discipline to work, everyone has to get on board.
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