Every parent wants their children to have friends, but let's face it — toddlers aren't exactly known for their social abilities. Their still-developing language skills make it hard to strike up a conversation even with someone their own size. Plus, at 2, kids are still in "parallel play" mode, meaning they play alongside each other without interacting — not exactly the best way to make friends.[1]
But even if your toddler doesn't seem interested in his playgroup or day care peeps yet, he still needs to learn how to play well with others. Your role is to guide your tot along the path to friendship. Here are the reasons why learning to play with others is so important and how to help your child make friends.
Why is it important for children to make friends?
We all need friends, and that's just as true at 2 as it is at 32 (or 92). Of course, little kid friendships look pretty horrifying to grown-ups. There's not much sharing or turn-taking going on, and tussles over toys can turn into shoving matches (or worse). So it's only natural that you may feel like quitting the social scene until your child is ready for school.
Just hang in there. Your child is picking up social skills that will become more important once he starts school, even if every playdate now ends in a meltdown.
For one, he's learning how to feel comfortable with other kids.[2] For another, your tot gets to practice over and over what it means to be a friend — sharpening his conversational and problem-solving skills, developing empathy and playing more cooperatively.[3]
Of course, you and your child's other caregivers will need to provide the chances for your toddler to fine-tune his social chops. Here's how to do just that.
More on Toddler Behavior and Development
How to help your toddler or preschooler make friends
Little kids need a big hand to guide them as they navigate their social world. No, you don't need to hover over your tot at the playgroup or playdate, but it's good to be nearby. You'll be able to step in and provide the words to say to restore peace if trouble breaks out.
Another way to help? Be a good role model at home by taking turns and sharing with your tot and other family members. Also let your toddler see your social interactions, whether it's with friends or strangers. Your child will pick up valuable lessons on how to start a conversation and even problem-solve.[4]
But for now, scale back your expectations. Pushing the social agenda on an unwilling participant can make a tot socially reluctant. So skip the pressure, and cut the encounter short if it doesn't seem to be working out.
Also, accept your child for who he is. If your tot feels more comfortable watching the social scene from your lap the first few dozen times, that's okay. As long as your toddler or preschooler seems happy, you should be too.
Here's how to help things go smoothly depending on the social setting:
At the playground or on playdates
- Look around for potential playmates. Find buddies by checking out those already on your radar. Your child may warm up more quickly with someone he already is familiar with. Kids in your apartment building or on your block, or those you see regularly in the park are all good bets. If you attend a mommy-and-me class or a toddler music group, see if there's a potential pal your little one seems to gravitate to. Also, think about a buddy who shares your child's interests, whether it's trucks and painting or princesses and Play-Doh.
- Start slow. Too many kids can overwhelm even the biggest social butterfly, so set up playdates with just one other pal for now. The key is to expose your tot to other kids gradually. Keep the social event to an hour or two at most — kids this age tire easily — and schedule it at the time of day when your child is generally in a good mood and well fed. Morning is often ideal.
- Make it a foursome. If your toddler is hanging back or just playing side by side, plop down on the floor or ground with the other caregiver to model some good friendship skills. Chat up the other adult so your little one will hear (and possibly imitate) your friendly tone. He'll also benefit by seeing you ask nicely for a toy, for instance, or sharing a snack.
- Keep it fair. Toddlers won't naturally loan their toys, even to fellow truck aficionados, so head off squabbles on playdates by providing multiple vehicles, pink costumes or crayons to go around. At the playground, the same rule applies (so lots of chalk, for instance). And for both settings, think of games that stress cooperative play — hide and seek, ball playing or circle games like "Duck, Duck, Goose."
- Expect some fireworks. Little kids get frustrated and mad at their friends all the time.[5] If it's just angry words and hurt feelings, see if your child and playmate can resolve the blow-up on their own. If it gets physical, calmly step in. Remind your child that it's better to use words than lash out. But don't take sides. Just simply change the activity so the kids can cool down. Or brainstorm ways to resolve the problem (using a timer, say, to split time with toys).
At home, day care or school
- Play lots of pretend games. Two- and 3-year-olds naturally gravitate towards pretend play. At first it starts out small ("talking" on the phone, tucking a teddy bear into bed) but then these games become more elaborate at age 3 and beyond. Join in these flights of fantasy, and let your child be the boss. Pretend play boosts your toddler's ability to see different points of view, which is a good base for all social encounters.[6] Plus, it's more cooperative too.
- Role play. Pretend you're the other child and ask if you can join in the game or play with a toy. Then switch roles. You can also role play with your child's stuffed animals. Rehearsing these scenarios may help your child feel more comfortable with classmates, and help him model your behavior.
- Invite day care or preschool friends to your home. First, this gives you the chance to see what your child is like in a social setting. That way, you can see what skills you might need to boost when you role play. But it also may boost your child's self-esteem as he introduces his friend to his toys and family.[7]
What to do if your child is having trouble making friends
If your child keeps having less-than-promising social encounters, don't stress too much. Even older preschoolers need a lot of practice in making and keeping friends. Keep inviting potential buddies over for playdates. Then …
- Find an activity — a tumbling class or craft-making, for example — where your child can meet like-minded BFs.
- Talk to your child's day care or preschool teachers. They might have insight into your child's social skills and suggestions for promising playdate partners who will mesh better.
- Practice rehearsing new situations, going over what to expect at birthday parties or playdates. That can help your shy toddler feel less nervous.
- Ask an expert. If you still feel something is wrong, mention it to the pediatrician. Your child's doctor can keep an eye out as your child gets older.
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