Yes, toddlerhood is a time of learning and discovery. Trouble is, as toddlers learn how to walk, talk and play, they also discover how to run away from you, challenge and punch! That's when many parents turn to that tried-and-true tactic: the time-out.
Although some child experts think time-outs for toddlers are too harsh, they can work wonders — when done in the right way for the right situation.
The key is to think of a time-out not as a punishment, but as a brief (emphasis on brief!) break from a negative situation. This short breather gives your toddler time to regain control of his feelings and sends a message that you don’t tolerate bad behavior.
Time-outs can be overused and they’re not right for every child, so they shouldn’t be the only tool in your toddler discipline toolkit. Here’s how to use time-outs for toddlers wisely.
How do I put my toddler in a time-out?
There’s more than one way to give a time-out — you can have a designated time-out space or vary the location. But there are certain steps that are central to all time-outs for toddlers, no matter where you put your tiny rule-breaker:
Give a warning. You don’t want to swoop and give a time-out without a heads-up. So if you catch your toddler breaking a rule — trying to climb into his sister’s crib, for instance — say, “If you don’t stop climbing into the crib, you’ll get a time-out.”
If he continues the behavior, calmly say, “You have to go into a time-out because you climbed into the crib.” That’s it. Then take him to his time-out spot.
Leave your toddler in his time-out space for the designated time. Set a kitchen timer or the alarm on your phone.
If your child tries to leave the time-out space, put him back without talking. Then re-set the timer.
When time-out is over, get your child and explain the rule again (“We don’t climb into the crib.”) Then get your toddler involved in another activity. If he plays quietly beside the crib or amuses his sister without doing anything dangerous, praise him for his good behavior.
Ways to do a time-out with your toddler
Here are various methods for doing a time-out with your tot:
Time-out chair
The time-out chair is the classic place for toddlers who need to simmer down. Sturdy adult-sized kitchen chairs work best, as your child won’t be able to scoot them around (or rock in them).
Put the chair in the most boring room in the house or facing a blank wall, but far enough away so your toddler can’t kick or punch the wall. Make sure the chair is on a soft surface, like a carpet or mat, so your little one doesn't get injured if he falls off. Then leave your toddler there, sticking close by to make sure your tot won’t climb on the chair.
If your child does stand on the chair or does something dangerous, stop the behavior. But do it matter-of-factly, without talking or making eye contact. Or stand behind the chair so your child doesn’t try that again, and don’t respond to any questions until the time is up.
Time-out corner
Another classic is a time-out corner. Again, pick one in a dull place, like an unused corner by the pantry or hallway where your child can’t be distracted. Then place a chair or mat for your child to sit on in the corner for a minute or two.
Try to avoid using a corner in your toddler’s bedroom, where toys and other things can tempt him — unless you want to remove all playthings each time you put your toddler in a time-out.
Time-out mats or blankets
Small mats or blankets can take the place of a chair, and they’re portable, so you can use them in public, at a friend’s house or in any corner in your home. Do the same thing you’d do with a chair. Place it in a dull, toy-less place and start the timer.
Time-outs in public
These may be a little trickier, but time-outs for a toddler can be done anywhere. If you’re at the playground, get your child to sit quietly next to you for the duration of the time-out. Sitting on a bench with a grown-up while happy children frolic all around might make your toddler think twice before throwing sticks again.
On a toddler playdate? Take your child to a different room, but stick around (being put in unfamiliar surroundings is very scary for kids this age and pushes the time-out too far). While in the room, sit with your little rebel in silence.
How long should a time-out be?
The rule of thumb is one minute per year of age, so 2-year-olds get two minutes, 3-year-olds, three minutes, and so on. But it depends on your toddler. You might be able to get the message across to your 2-year-old in 30 seconds. After all, time passes very slowly for younger kids, especially if you're confined to the naughty chair without any attention.
The bottom line: The shorter the better. Otherwise, your toddler will be more tempted to wander away.
What age can you start time-outs?
When can you start time-outs? After your child has turned 2, say most parenting pros. Younger toddlers can’t understand why they’re being sent away from you or the fun, and they have trouble sitting still for even a nanosecond. (There are other ways to set limits for younger toddlers.)
When your child is at least 3 years old, you can try giving him a time-out without a timer and tell him to come out of it when he feels ready and has calmed down. This helps your child take back some control of the situation.
Tips for making sure time-outs are effective
Time-outs are a great tool for making sure your toddler cools off and learns the consequences for breaking a rule. To make sure they keep working, keep the following in mind:
Save time-outs for really big deals. Many parents use time-outs for serious misbehaviors — doing something dangerous (breaking into the cleaning cabinet, running into the street), or aggressive (hitting or biting, say). If you want to use them for family rules, make sure your child knows what the limits are first and what will happen. Don’t use time-outs for minor sins, like touching the flowers in the vase or scribbling on the wall, or for first-time offenses. There are other discipline strategies that can work better (like enlisting your toddler’s help in scrubbing the wall).
Stay calm. Easier said than done, we know. But if you are yelling “That’s it! Time-out!” or yanking your child to the chair, the time-out is just going to rile up your child even more (plus, you’re rewarding misbehavior with attention, no matter how negative). If you’re losing your cool, put yourself in a time-out and step away for a few minutes (making sure your child is safe first).
Be consistent. If you use a time-out for hitting once, then keep it up. Otherwise, your toddler will become confused. Also just give one warning. Threatening a time-out over and over will just teach your toddler you don’t mean what you say.
Pick the right spot. Time-outs should be served in a dull, safe place, away from distractions (toys, TV, books) and potentially dangerous items (breakables or tables with sharp corners). Keep the culprit in sight (no closets or darkened rooms!) but away from the fun. A young toddler can be plopped in a playpen reserved only for time-outs, but if he can climb out, opt instead for an out-of-the-way chair or the bottom stair. One definite no-no: Don't use his playroom or bedroom (and especially not his crib) as a penalty box — those places should be associated only with positive experiences.
Keep explanations short. Guide your child to his time-out spot, and (calmly) tell him to sit. Don't scold (lengthy lectures are lost on toddlers, particularly in the heat of the moment) but do briefly state why he’s there ("Hitting hurts people"). That'll help him understand that he's losing the privilege of your attention because of his behavior — not because you love him any less.
Don’t give in, even if your tot is wailing or getting up every two seconds. Ignore the tantrums unless your toddler is doing something dangerous (like banging his head against the wall). In that case, make sure the mat or chair is away from anything that can harm him and stand behind him until time is up. If he wanders off, escort him back as many times as it takes and reset the timer.
Repeat if necessary. If your toddler keeps bopping his pal on the head after the first time-out, escort him back to the time-out space and reset the timer.
Know your child. If your tot is especially sensitive, he may feel rejected when banished from your side, perhaps fearing you don't like him anymore. If that's the case, skip time-outs, which are designed to teach limits and self-calming skills, not to inflict emotional pain. There are many other discipline strategies.
The downsides of time-outs for toddlers
Time-outs get a bad rap. Critics say they don’t teach kids self-control. Instead, they leave kids feeling more isolated and angrier than before. There are other downsides for toddlers, including:
Your toddler isn’t capable of sitting still. If that’s the case, shorten the time by 30 seconds. Or try another spot. Or wait until he’s older and less fidgety.
Your toddler doesn’t understand time-outs. He may be too young, even if he’s well over 2, to reflect on why he’s sitting in a chair in the most boring room in the house. In that case, ignoring or distracting him might be a better choice.
Your toddler may get more upset or scream louder. The point of time-outs is for kids to cool down. If you think his screams are a way to get you to cave, ignore them and see what happens (as long as he’s not harming himself).
Your toddler gets too scared when he’s left alone. If sitting nearby (but not engaging or making eye contact with your tot) doesn’t do the trick next time, talk to the pediatrician or forget time-outs for now.
Time-outs vs. time-ins
When you give your toddler a time-out, you send him to a specific spot for a minute or two. You might briefly state your rule again, but you keep your explanations short.
Time-ins are different. When your toddler breaks a serious rule or has a meltdown, you help your child calm down by taking a time-in together. The two of you go to a quiet place and you hug or comfort your child until he cools down. Then you talk about his feelings and what just happened. You still keep explanations short but the focus is on empathy.
The idea behind time-ins is that your child won’t feel isolated because you’re sitting together. By helping him calm down, you’re teaching him how to soothe himself. By talking about his intense emotions, you’re helping him recognize them so he learns to control them himself.
But critics of time-ins say that they aren’t always effective. Some kids get overly wound up with a hug or a conversation about feelings, no matter how short. Or if your child is older, he might push back with an argument and before long you’ll be defending your rules.
Time-ins might work best for toddlers under age 2 or even 3. If a hug doesn’t soothe your tot, switch to a quieter activity (looking at a picture book) until he quiets down too. Another way to do a time-in: Reward good behavior by giving your child positive attention (a hug when he shares a toy with his playdate pal, say).
If you need guidance figuring out whether time-outs or time-ins are right for your child, talk to the pediatrician. Most are parents too so they’ll be more than happy to weigh in. And remember, staying calm and loving is the key to a successful time-out — and discipline in general.
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