"I didn't do it. Bobby did!" If you don't know who Bobby is, it can throw you off at first. However, after a short while, you'll get it: Your kiddo is talking about an imaginary friend.
Her new play pal will go wherever she goes, get a "share" of your child's food and participate in her daily playtime. You may even get excluded from the fun sometimes because your toddler wants to play alone with her invisible friend.
Although your youngster's stories about her daily adventures with her new friend can sound so cute, some parents find it concerning. Does having an imaginary friend mean your toddler is unhappy? Is it a sign of a health issue? Should you go along with it or tell her this buddy isn't real?
Here's what you should know about your toddler's imaginary friend.
What is an imaginary friend?
An imaginary friend is, you guessed it, a companion your kid conjures up using her imagination. This invisible friend may be another child, a stuffed animal, real animal, doll, toy, mythical creature — whatever comes to your child's mind.
Some kids hang on to one pretend pal for months. Others may switch to a new invisible friend every day.[1] Your kid may even have more than one imaginary friend.
Why do kids have imaginary friends?
If your kid has a friend who is a figment of her imagination, it's easy to jump to the conclusion that she's lonely or unhappy. That's unlikely to be the issue. Kiddos create fictional buddies for many reasons:
- To be the boss. Imaginary friends give toddlers a chance to exert control over their environment. While real friends might take their playthings or disagree about what games to play, imaginary friends won't, which makes them ideal companions.
- To pass the blame. Imaginary friends can be helpful scapegoats to blame misdeeds on. (The lamp gets knocked off the table? "Bobby did it.")
- To safely express outsized emotions. Your daughter might not feel comfortable expressing her anger, but her imaginary friend has no such reservations about letting it all out. ("Bobby HATES shoes!")
- For comfort. Invisible friends can help build a child's sense of security and comfort and offer a chance to exhibit confidence and bravery. A child may tell her imaginary friend, "Don't be afraid of monsters under the bed," and in doing so, soothe her own fears.
- To feel understood.[2] Has your preschooler ever gone on and on about something and you had no clue what she meant? You try to piece it together, but yeah, you're still lost. Well, her made-up friend gets it.
- For their availability. Imaginary friends provide the companionship that's not always available from real friends. Think about it, your kid can sneak and play with a pretend pal even after bedtime (if they're quiet)!
When do imaginary friends appear?
Make-believe friends usually show up when kids are around 2 and a half to 3 years old. At this stage of life, their imaginations are growing and they're able to create companions to go along with their pretend play, real play and made-up stories.
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Is it normal to have imaginary friends?
Yep, totally! Not only are imaginary friends normal for kids, they're extremely common. Researchers have found that about two-thirds of children conjure up an imaginary buddy at some point during early childhood.[3] It's also normal if a kid never has an imaginary friend.
If your preschooler does have an invisible pal, there's likely no reason to worry. Again, it doesn't mean she's lonely, stressed or that there's a health issue.[4]
In fact, your kid (and you) may glean several benefits from these invisible buddies.
- You can use an imaginary friend to help teach your toddler (or convince her to try) something new. For instance, have her pal taste a new veggie first. Or playing school with her and her imaginary friend can help her prepare for the first day of preschool.
- They allow kids to express emotions, which can help spark conversations. A make-believe friend can allow your kid to share feelings she may not be comfortable talking about herself. For example, she may tell you that Snuggles doesn't want to move to a new house. That could give you an opportunity to reassure your preschooler about an upcoming move.
- Imaginary friends help kids gain empathy and practice seeing the world from other perspectives.
- Kids get to brush up on their vocabulary skills, both when talking to their invisible playmates and sharing stories about them with others.
- Your toddler gets to practice social interactions, like having a back-and-forth conversation (albeit imaginary), taking turns, sharing and more. Those skills will be helpful as she navigates making real toddler friends.
- Creating a bud may also allow your kid to develop stronger problem-solving skills.[5] Overhear her and her friend fussing about how many dogs live in their imaginary house? Or trying to decide what they will do that day? That's problem-solving!
- Imaginary friends help boost your child's creativity. Just listen as she makes up a scenario or place for them to explore. One day, they're at the zoo; the next, they're on the moon wearing raincoats!
How should I respond to my child's imaginary friend?
If your little one asks you to do something for her imaginary sidekick or the friend asks you a question, you may feel a little awkward. Should you play along? Yep!
Experts say it's okay to treat the invisible friend like you would any of your child's other friends. If your kid hasn't already told you, ask questions about the friend, like its name and what it looks like. Or talk about some of the things they do for fun. If the friend asks you questions, respond.
But don't start conversations with the imaginary friend yourself. Let your child pass the messages from the friend to you.[6]
Sometimes, your kid's friend will want to be part of family activities, such as sitting at the table for breakfast. That's fine too. Just don't feel you have to cook extras or go out of your way for an imaginary friend.
Also, don't let an invisible friend get away with misbehaving. For instance, the scribbling on the wall (again) might be blamed on the friend. However, make it clear to your child that both she and her friend are in trouble and will have to go to the time-out chair.
When do imaginary friends become a problem?
Remember, an imaginary friend usually isn't an issue, and it doesn't mean you should worry about your little one's mental health. Some parents worry that their children's imaginary friends may distract them from making real ones, but researchers have found that's not the case. Kids with imaginary friends have lots of real friends too.
That said, if you have any concerns or questions, bring them to the pediatrician's attention. Also contact the doc if:
- Your child seems to fear her invisible friend.
- The imaginary friend won't go away or won't stop talking.
- The imaginary friend threatens your kid or encourages her to do unsafe, harmful or violent things to herself or others.
- Your child has sudden changes in her attitude or behavior.
- You're also concerned about other areas of your child's development, such as speech or social interactions.
- There's a family history of mental illness among close relatives.
When do imaginary friends go away?
Your child may spend time with her imaginary friend for several months or possibly years. Research has shown that some kids still have pretend friends at age 6 or 7 (though the kiddos may have gone through several friends during that time).
Instead of worrying about the imaginary relationship, think of the many perks your child may experience. Embrace it and have fun!
Your kiddo will grow out of the imaginary pal phase eventually. Until then, remember to provide plenty of real-life companions and opportunities for imaginative play. That way your kid will get the best of both worlds!
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