Who’s afraid of the big bad wolf? Obviously not your baby, who, in her younger days, may have giggled during window-rattling thunderstorms and cooed at snarling dogs. But now that she’s an older toddler (with a more vivid imagination), all sorts of new fears rear their scary heads.
Some of the most common: the dark, doctors, loud noises, crowds, animals and costumed characters like Santa. Here’s how to help your nervous Nellie feel safe instead of scared — and what to do if she's not afraid of anything at all.
Fear of loud noises
Is your toddler suddenly scared of sudden noises? She's not alone.
Why it happens
Bam! You know that sound was a truck backfiring, but your tot does not — and that can result in a mini freak-out. Sudden, loud noises often startle toddlers, who might just assume the sky is falling.
What to do about it
Since you can’t eliminate loud sounds from life entirely — nor consistently predict when they’re going to occur — the best thing to do is help your child calm down — and stay calm next time.
- Help her voice her feelings. Say something like, "That was a loud noise! You didn’t like that loud noise. It hurt your ears."
- Explain the source of the sound whenever you can. The next time a blaring fire truck goes speeding down the street, you can explain, "That was a siren on a fire engine. It’s driving fast on the road so it makes a loud sound to warn the cars it’s passing."
- Let her play with sound. If she’s willing, try banging on a drum or a pot, for example, or switching the vacuum cleaner on and off. Keep in mind that this "desensitize and sympathize" approach works with just about any fear your toddler expresses (and she’s bound to come up with some wacky ones).
Fear of doctors
Some young children, especially in the second half of their second year, develop a fearsome feeling about doctor visits.
More Common Toddler Fears
Why it happens
Your child has known your kind pediatrician for nearly two years, so how can this familiar face send her into such a tailspin? Well, when she was tiny she didn’t retain any memories (upsetting or otherwise) of her trips to the doc.
But now that her ability to remember people and events is improving, she just may recall that the last time she sat up on that paper-covered table, she got a couple of sharp jabs in the thigh. And shots aren’t the only fear factor — the doctor’s cold stethoscope or bright light could seem scary as well.
What to do about it
The most important thing is not to tease or belittle your child's fear. Instead, provide a liberal dose of sympathy and try the following tips to help make the fear go away.
- Prep your toddler ahead of time. Read her a story about a child or favorite cartoon character having a checkup, and play with a toy doctor’s kit. Remind her of the doctor’s name and how friendly he or she is, and how it’s a doctor’s job to keep us healthy.
- Never use a doctor visit as a threat (as in, "If you don’t eat your carrots, you’ll get sick and have to go to the doctor!")
- Time it right. Don't make an appointment when she's likely to be hungry or tired. Also, avoid peak office hours when there's less time for one-on-one attention and a greater chance of having to wait.
- Alert the staff. If your child is extremely fearful, consider calling ahead and letting the doctor or nurse know. They're used to handling anxious little patients, but a heads-up (and some extra TLC) doesn't hurt right from the start.
- Don't make promises you can't keep. If you tell your child "it won't hurt" and it does, your credibility is shot. You may have also planted the idea of ouch in your child's head when she wasn't even thinking about the possibility of pain.
- Offer comfort in many forms. Let your toddler bring a beloved blanket or toy, stash some of her favorite snacks in your bag and provide kisses if she needs them. If she cries, let her know it's okay, but do encourage her to stay still for the doctor.
- Examine your own attitude. Kids are quick to pick up on their parents' anxiety, so stay relaxed, and keep a positive spin on things.
- Finish up with praise. After the exam, find something positive to say about how your child did. Any little progress is noteworthy. ("You cried so much less than last time!")
- Plan a treat for after the visit, like a trip to the playground. And follow through on the treat, no matter how she behaves during the exam. This will help your child associate the doctor with something pleasant.
Fear of Santa, clowns and other characters
It's not uncommon for toddlers to get easily spooked at the sight of people in masks and costumes, even when they’re friendly faves like Elmo or jolly St. Nick.
Why it happens
When they’re about 2, many toddlers (who often struggle with stranger anxiety) shrink at the sight of costumed characters — hence the fear of Santa, clowns or trick-or-treaters.
Why is this a top toddler fear? Chalk it up to your tot’s developing mind and growing imagination. Although she’s learning more about the world every day, she doesn’t yet have the experience to separate fantasy from reality, which is why she loves pretend play.
She’s also clued into the fact that she’s a tiny person in a large, potentially unsafe world. If you were her size, you’d be scared of Big Bird looming over you, too.
What to do about it
Children eventually outgrow their phobias — including a fear of Santa and other characters. Until then, you can help your sweetie by respecting her reaction and following the tips below.
- Don’t force it. The photo op is oh-so-tempting, but making a petrified toddler go near the big bearded man in the red suit (much less sit on his lap) won’t make her fear of Santa Claus disappear or make for a good photo. In fact, it can ramp up the anxiety and turn her off all things holiday-related.
- Play it straight. That means no teasing or smiling at her distress, which can backfire. Your child’s fear of clowns may seem silly or irrational to you, but it’s no laughing matter to her.
- Avoid admonishing. Along the same lines, try not to say things like, "There’s no reason to be afraid" or, "Don’t act like a baby." Instead of making your tot feel less anxious, scolding and shaming will fan the fires of this toddler fear and make her feel bad about herself.
- Be supportive. Tell your tot that you won’t let anything bad happen to her. And tell her that she doesn’t have to approach Mickey Mouse if she doesn’t want to.
- Back away. If your little one seems more shy than scared, have her hold your hand and watch from afar while other kids hug the clowns or Santa. When she sees and hears their reactions from a safe distance, she may calm down enough to realize that there’s no danger. And if possible, avoid encounters with costumed characters in a small, crowded space. Your tot may feel cornered and even more afraid.
- Offer to go first. If your cutie seems curious, you can ask: "How about if I have my picture taken with Santa first?" or, "What if I shake Cookie Monster’s hand?" If she still doesn’t want to, don’t plead or push. There will be many other opportunities for photos and making happy childhood memories.
Fear of crowds
At the mall, a large party, a parade, a busy restaurant or the grocery store, you name it … your toddler balks and becomes unruly when surrounded by hordes of people.
Why it happens
Wherever there’s a big gathering, there’s usually a lot of noise, strangers and maybe unfamiliar sights. And guess what? These are all common toddler fears rolled into one overwhelming situation. No wonder many tots (and even bigger kids) get spooked.
What to do about it
Ignoring your child’s discomfort or making her feel ashamed won’t toughen her up and make her fear disappear. In fact, it’ll have the opposite effect. In the short run, you’re inviting a major meltdown (making the outing no fun for everyone).
In the long run, you risk turning her fear into a phobia that’s even harder to control. Plus, you may shake her trust that you’ll always take care of her.
But you can’t always steer clear of mobbed locations. When you can’t avoid crowds, lessen your toddler’s anxiety with these tension-taming tips:
- Check your own stress. Navigating a gaggle of people with a little one in tow can be nerve-racking for anyone. And toddlers are hyper-attuned to their parents’ emotions. Help your tot calm down and learn to control her fear of crowds by setting a good example: Take a deep breath, slow down instead of speeding up, keep your voice at a normal level and be patient.
- Help your child feel secure. Being in a noisy, packed place can trigger a toddler's fear of strangers and crowds since your child is beginning to realize that she’s a little fish in a big, sometimes scary, pond. Take a moment to hug your child or gently squeeze her hand, and let her know that she’s safe with you.
- Stack the deck in your favor. If you know that you’ll be surrounded by a bunch of people, plan ahead for your outing: Don’t skip naps and be sure to bring snacks and favorite toys. If your tot’s well-rested and well-fed, she’s less likely to be cranky — and more easily comforted.
- Take baby steps … You can help your little one gradually get used to being in a crowd by exposing her to the sights and sounds in small doses (time-wise and size-wise). If a stop at the mall is on the agenda on a weekend afternoon, make a beeline for only one store (or shop at less hectic times). And before you splurge on a family trip to Six Flags, let your sweetie sample a few local fairs and festivals, which are fun family outings that are easier to manage (and easier on your wallet).
- But know when to move on. If your toddler’s fear of crowds is getting the best of her, find a quiet spot to help her calm down. If she can’t unwind, cut your visit short and come back when the place is less packed.
- Pile on the praise. The more confident your cutie feels, the easier it’ll be for her to get over her fear of crowds. Applaud her breakthroughs ("I’m so proud of you for not getting upset at the store"), and overlook those times when she’s overcome by her anxieties. In time, with your support and patience, this fear too will fade away.
Fear of dogs and other animals
It's not unusual for a toddler to be wary, even scared, of dogs, but chances are your tot will surely encounter animals in her daily life, so getting used to their sizes, shapes and sounds is a good idea. Plus, animals can be beloved members of the family and neighborhood.
Why it happens
There’s no big mystery behind a toddler's (and many a grown-up's) fear of strange animals — some of them really can be dangerous or at least unpredictable. Unlike babies, toddlers also have better memories and may remember a previous negative experience, like a nip of the fingers by an excited puppy.
What to do about it
While a sense of caution around dogs is a good thing — after all, you don't want your little one pulling on tails or dashing after strange animals — you can help her be more comfortable around our four-legged friends. Here's how:
- Consider your own attitude. If you're afraid of dogs too, you'll need to address your own fear before you can help your toddler overcome hers. That's because no matter how hard you try to hide it, your child will pick up on your anxiety.
- Talk and read about animals together to inject a dose of familiarity and friendliness. That may include reading picture books featuring friendly canines and playing with cuddly stuffed animals or battery-operated ones that bark and move.
- Next, find a mellow, even-tempered dog — one that's used to kids and doesn't jump and lick faces. But before you arrange a meeting, take a photo of the pooch and show it to your child. Talk about the dog with her. For example, explain that barking is its way of talking and a wagging tail means it's happy to see you.
- Introduce your child gradually. At the first meeting, hold your toddler in your arms while the dog is kept by the owner's side. Wave to the dog and greet it by name. Invite your little one to follow your example. As your child becomes more comfortable around the dog — it may take several visits — decrease the distance between them (with your child still in your arms).
- Don't force or urge her to pet the animal. When you're finally close enough to touch the dog, pet the dog yourself and say, "Look, I'm petting the doggy. He's so soft and friendly. Do you want to pet the doggy, too?" If she wants to, let her touch the dog as you hold her hand and show her how to pet it gently.
- Have patience. If your toddler doesn't want to touch the dog, tell her it's okay. But keep up the encounters. Each time, give your child a chance to change her mind — until she finally overcomes her fear and is able to pet her new furry pal.
If your child’s fine with pups and kitties but fears wild animals, try watching squirrels at a bird feeder or taking a trip to the zoo — again with plenty of advance prep. And be sure to explain that wild animals should never be touched.
Toddler fearlessness
Some parents deal with the opposite problem: Their toddlers instantly make any stranger a pal or approach unknown (and sometimes large!) animals with glee … Here's what to do when your tiny tough gal has absolutely no fear of the new and unexpected.
Why it happens
Some kids are just naturally outgoing. Others have been regularly exposed to lots of different people, pets and situations at a young age, and as a result, they're unfazed by new faces and settings.
Making matters trickier for their parents, toddlers in general have little (or no) understanding of the possible dangers and consequences of their actions.
What to do about it
The good news: You don't have to worry about this kid being excessively shy. The not-so-good news: You need to be extra attentive to keep your daredevil out of harm's way.
Your aim is to teach your tot about safe behavior, without scaring the daylights out of her. With that in mind, these tips can help protect her:
- Never let your wee one wander out of your sight when you're out and about. Whenever possible, let her explore her surroundings — but always under your supervision. If you’re in a crowd, teach her to hold your hand at all times.
- Put the brakes on socializing with strangers. Tell your toddler, "If you want to say hello to someone, you have to ask me first." She may not understand at first, but keep repeating the rule and it'll eventually sink in. The same advice goes for dogs and other pets. Tell your young animal lover, "You can touch an animal only if I say it's okay."
- Avoid extremes. Don't tell your child that all strangers are bad. First of all, that's not true. Second, it'll only make your tot fearful without teaching her how to behave in the real world.
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