Choosing whether or not to return to work might be your most personal decision as a new mom. Despite what all your well-intentioned working-mom and stay-at-home-mom friends will say (plus the advice of your own mom and sister, who will also throw in their two cents), you’ll need to assess your own situation — on your own terms.
Just as no two babies are entirely alike, no two moms (and jobs) are either. So when the time comes for you to decide what’s right for you, ignore the peer pressure (it’ll be just as tough now as it was in seventh grade).
Although researchers on both sides of this issue might argue otherwise, there’s no clear-cut evidence about the long-term disadvantages or benefits of having a mom who works outside the home. Which means the decision is yours to make. Use these strategies to help sort things out.
Talk to your partner
If you haven’t had a heart-to-heart about childcare before, now’s the time to seriously talk with your partner about whether either of you is open to leaving the career track (at least for a while) to stay at home and take care of your little one. (That’s if your individual salaries don’t make a fairly clear decision for you.)
You might be surprised at your partner’s response. Families today have evolved tremendously from the last generation, including the role of fathers. Pew Research Center reports that 7 percent of all dads stayed at home to take care of their kids in 2016, up from 4 percent in 1989.
Whatever you decide, it has to remain a mutual effort. You and your partner need to agree on sharing the workload to some extent at home, or your relationship could bear the brunt of your fatigue.
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Crunch the numbers
Hiring a nanny or sending your child to day care can be quite expensive in the U.S., with either option costing upwards of $3,500 a month (or more) depending on where you live. (An au pair or a relative caregiver are more affordable options, although they’re not available to or right for everyone.)
Do a little research (ask your mom friends, for example) to figure out the cost of hiring a nanny in your area, and call a few nearby day care centers to ask about their rates. Compare these estimates to your salary.
You might find that child care costs nearly as much what you’re earning at work, in which case the decision of whether to stay at work is really up to you. You may also find that you earn significantly more or less than child care costs, so the decision may be more clear-cut.
Want to go with an option that’s not the most financially feasible for you? Make a list of all the things in your life that cost money and consider how important each is to you. Will you be happy with fewer fitness classes, dinners out or vacations if you decide to downscale? (Don’t feel guilty if the answer is no.)
Try to estimate the impact on your career
If you want to stay at home for a while but eventually hope to get back to your career, try to estimate the impact of leaving the workforce on your job. Could taking time off put your career indefinitely off track? Are there ways you can continue to network during your time off so you’ll have a running start when you get back?
If you don’t think you’ll be able to get your career (and your income) back on track if you drop out or scale back for a while, think about what that might feel like a few months to a few years later.
You may want to check out the Center for American Progress’ calculator for a rough estimate of the money you’d be missing out on in wages, wage growth and retirement assets and benefits over time.
Consider your child care choices
While no one can care for your child like you can, will you be comfortable eventually handing off the task to someone else? You may want to interview a few nannies or visit a few day care centers to get a sense of your options (and a feel for how comfortable you are with them as a stand-in while you work).
Also think about how much help you’ll have on the homefront too (you’ll need plenty!). A helpful, present partner as well as nearby family and/or a reliable sitter or two can definitely help you keep up the pace.
Envision your future self
Assuming that your finances allow you to choose between working full-time or staying at home, try to picture your future mommy self in various situations:
- Do you think you’ll go crazy changing a dozen diapers or walking through the park every day, jiggling that stroller handle — or does that sound like your idea of bliss?
- Will the idea of waving bye-bye to baby in the morning interfere with your ability to concentrate on your job during the day, or do you think you’ll often crave the stimulation that your job provides?
- Will you never get over possibly missing some of your baby’s major milestones?
- Will you be upset if your baby develops a strong bond with his caregiver? (Keep in mind that you can definitely still work outside the home and have just as strong of a bond with your kids as if you choose to stay at home.)
Whatever conclusions you reach now about which role will best suit your personality, be prepared for it to change (sometimes completely!) once your baby is here.
Think about your energy level
It takes plenty of stamina to be either a stay-at-home mom or a working mom. So what keeps you energized and motivated? Some people are driven by work, while others get a boost from caring for family and friends.
If you go back to work, after predawn mommy duty you have to get dressed for the office, commute, put in a full day — then head home for round two.
On the flip side, could you cope with a day that’s totally centered on your baby’s needs and schedule? Many working moms find the hours spent at their job rejuvenating, allowing them to come home energized and ready for baby care.
Consider your stress levels
If your job is low-stress and your baby is easy, you may be able to juggle both. But a high-pressure job and a demanding new baby can be a pretty potent mix.
Either way, you’ll be physically and emotionally challenged in ways you never imagined (while also being exhilarated and joyful in ways you never imagined!). Do you cope well when the pace of life heats up? Or do you operate better when you’ve got more time and capacity to keep things humming along?
Judge your job flexibility
Now’s the time to research your company’s "work-life" initiatives, such as telecommuting. A growing number of companies have begun allowing their employees to permanently work from home for at least part of the week, saving you time on a daily commute and more flexibility to deal with child care issues as they arise.
Consider the amount of flexibility your job offers and whether you can take off if your sitter is sick or arrive late or leave early if necessary. And think about whether your job requires long hours, late nights, weekends or travel — and how you’ll feel about spending extended time away from your baby.
If you’re planning to breastfeed, think about how you feel about pumping, and talk to your human resources department about where you can pump breast milk during the workday. Keep in mind that companies are required by law to supply breastfeeding employees with a private space and adequate time to pump during work hours.
Be realistic
Now that you’ve considered the issue from all angles, try to determine which option is most important and realistic for you. Obviously your family and baby top your list, but there’s no doubt that financial security is critical to your wellbeing too.
If you suspect that being a stay-at-home mom will be your number one priority, you might consider stepping off the fast track. Just be sure you’ve fully evaluated the potential cost of taking time off, both on your finances and your career (if you think you eventually want to return to work).
If you decide that your career or finances are critical to your wellbeing, you’ll likely have to secure plenty of help at home. Know that you’ll likely have to prepare yourself for a messier house (and a somewhat scattered brain) at times.
Consider a compromise
If you suspect you won’t be able to stay at home or work full time, weigh creative solutions that’ll let you keep a foot solidly planted in both worlds.
Depending on your employer, you may be able to construct a workable part-time arrangement, job sharing, a compressed workweek or a compressed workday.
Or your skills and experience may lend themselves to a flexible project-based or consulting career from home.
Just remember, nothing’s perfect. There will undoubtedly be bumps along the road, and pangs of regret that you’re not doing what’s best for your baby or yourself. Every mother feels them, no matter what decisions she makes — the trick is not to let them get the best of you.
You can always reassess the situation and change your mind down the road if you want to.
Do babies suffer when mothers return to work?
Many moms feel guilty for not being with their babies during the workday, even if they know they’re in good hands. Fortunately, research suggests that children don’t experience any harm when their moms work outside the home.
The decision to stay at home or return to work is very personal, and there is no one “right” decision for everyone. Keep in mind that a happy mommy will mean a happier baby!
How soon should you go back to work after having a baby?
Exactly how soon you should go back to work after you give birth depends on how much maternity leave you can negotiate with your employer.
Federal law only guarantees 12 weeks of unpaid family leave, and not everyone qualifies. Only about 17 percent of employers had access to paid family leave in 2018, according to the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics.
If you live in California, Colorado, Connecticut, the District of Columbia, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New York, Oregon, Rhode Island or Washington, your state may guarantee some paid family leave. Otherwise, you’ll have to see whether you qualify for short-term disability or can use vacation time, sick leave or personal days.
In terms of what’s best for you and your baby, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) supports at least 12 weeks of paid parental leave.
The group, which recommends that moms aim to breastfeed for at least a year and exclusively for the first six months, notes that longer maternity leave is associated with higher rates of exclusive breastfeeding and on-time immunizations. They’ve even advocated for six to nine months of paid maternity leave to support families’ finances.
What happens if I don’t want to return to work after maternity leave?
There is no law requiring you to stay at your job after your maternity leave ends. If you choose to leave your job, your employer can’t force you to return. Your employer may, however, require you to reimburse any of your health insurance premiums that they paid during your leave, unless you’re not returning due to circumstances that are out of your control (such as a serious health condition in you or your child).
No matter what choice you make, it’s really hard to manage a full-time career, a home, a partner and a baby. Be realistic about what you think you’ll be able to handle, both financially and in terms of your sanity. No one can do it all (perfectly, at least) — we’re only human!
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