Whether you’re headed out for a much-needed date night or taking a longer trip for work, any separation is likely to be tougher on you than it is on your sweet bundle when your baby is still a newborn. But that all starts to change when your baby’s own separation anxiety kicks in.
It can feel unexpected and super sad when this happens, but know that your baby’s tears and reaching arms are very normal at this stage.
Here’s more about separation anxiety in babies, including when it tends to occur, as well as smart ways to handle this tough phase without crying yourself.
What is separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety is a very normal developmental stage that means just what it sounds like. It’s a set of nervous, worried feelings — and subsequent cries — that your baby develops when her BFF (yup, you!) or another trusted caregiver leaves her with someone unknown or unfamiliar.
A baby who’s experiencing separation anxiety might cry, scream, cling to you, shake her head or hide her face when someone she doesn’t recognize approaches. The same reactions may also crop up with family members and friends who your baby once seemed to enjoy but now views as “strangers” or even a threat.
What are the signs of separation anxiety in babies?
You probably won’t miss this stage, but here are some ways you’ll know that your baby has separation anxiety:
- Fusses and cries the instant you hand her to someone new
- May lean away from a stranger’s embrace and stretch her arms toward you
- May have trouble sleeping or refuse to go to sleep unless you’re nearby
- May wake up crying during the night
When does separation anxiety in babies start?
Separation anxiety becomes a reality for your child as she learns about object permanence. It can appear as early as 7 months, though timing can vary.
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As for when it's at its worst? For some babies, 9 months is the low point for these fearful feelings and screaming fits, and for others, the peak may happen anywhere in the 10- to 18-month timeframe. Leaving your baby around this age can earn you an even worse reception if your infant is hungry, tired, or has a cold or fever.
Luckily, kids do outgrow their separation anxiety, but it may take until about 2 years of age for it to happen. For some children, it may take even longer, until age 3.
What causes separation anxiety in babies?
The mere existence of separation anxiety in infants is actually a good thing, even though it’s hard to concentrate on that fact when your baby is howling in your ear. Your infant's fussing and crying when you leave the room means she has a strong bond and sense of attachment to you.
And since babies don’t have a wide range of experience, every new person or place can feel unsafe — or at the very least disconcerting. Your child is beginning to realize you’re her main caregiver and when you’re gone, she’s distraught. Plus, infants can’t tell time, so she has no idea that your departure is just for a fast cup of coffee with a pal.
How to handle separation anxiety in babies
As with many stages of infant development, patience is key to handling this one in the moment. You should never ignore a baby with separation anxiety; instead, try these strategies:
- Practice leaving. Your own anxiety can be soothed if you take a break from your infant for an hour or two — and this way, you (and your baby) get used to the fact that you leave…and come back. Once you see your little darling hasn't fallen apart in your absence, you'll feel less anxious about leaving her again.
- Extend your departure. Have the sitter come about 30 minutes before you leave so you can go over the schedule. An early arrival also gives your baby time to warm up to the sitter and allows you a chance to feel okay about leaving the two of them together.
- Offer a snack. Hunger may make separation anxiety worse, so if you can plan your departure right after your baby nurses or has a meal, it may help.
- Make the goodbye brief. At zero hour, keep the farewells tear-free and short (you'll have plenty of time to reconnect when you get back), but do say good-bye — don’t skip this part.
- Distract with toys. Or suggest the sitter start a favorite book. If your baby is engaged with something fun, your exit may seem less upsetting.
- Establish a routine. Babies thrive on a set pattern for baths, bedtime and more, so create one when you leave and return. For example, you might offer her special lovey and sing a short song when you depart, and then give her a long hug and a new song when you’re back.
- Check on your baby. It’s fine to call the sitter for a report on her tears, which probably subsided just a minute after you left. But don’t attempt to talk with your child over the phone or on FaceTime — it could be confusing since you’re not in the room.
How to deal with separation anxiety at night
A baby between 8 and 12 months of age may also show signs of separation anxiety at night by waking up and crying out for you. To deal with nighttime separation anxiety, you can go to your infant and reassure her with calming words and your hand on her back, but skip picking her up, as this may coax her to continue, thinking her cries can equal your embrace.
A baby at this age may also be experiencing sleep regression, which can be caused by separation anxiety. Continue to stick to your nighttime routine (bath, bottle or nursing, a song, story, kisses) so your baby learns what to expect at the end of each day.
Take heart when faced with separation anxiety, as it means the bond you have with your infant is strong. Once you realize what’s happening to her developmentally, nail down the strategies above to ease her stress — and your own — when you have to leave your baby.
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