Almost all toddlers can be temperamental — prone to tantrums and crying fits at even the slightest change in their routines. In many cases, this is completely common behavior. They are toddlers, after all!
But if the word "mellow" has never, ever come up when describing your child, it’s possible that you have what's known as a sensitive toddler. Here’s what you can do to make life easier for her and for you.
What is a highly sensitive child?
A sensitive toddler is a child who feels things a bit more intensely than the average kid, and as a result, may have a harder time processing the world.
That’s not to say, however, that she has a sensory processing disorder — i.e. being oversensitive to certain smells, tastes or sounds, although the traits can overlap.
In fact, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) doesn’t support the use of sensory processing disorder as a specific diagnosis, since it’s currently not clear how or if the condition differs from other behavioral conditions like autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Signs of a highly sensitive child
Wondering if your toddler fits the mold of a sensitive child? Here are some of the most common signs.
She was hard to console as a baby
If you think back to her babyhood, it’s likely that her sensitive ways were apparent even then. She may have slept less than other babies or been colicky — crying and crying no matter how much you swayed, shushed or swaddled her.
She's picky about food
Food battles are practically a way of life when it comes to toddler dining — but a sensitive toddler is so particular about her likes and dislikes that it may seem impossible to please her. It may not be enough to serve her favorite grilled-cheese sandwich — the sandwich also can’t touch anything else on the plate, and the bread can’t be too crisp or too soft.
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Her clothing often bothers her
If it's not a tag that itches, it's a seam that rubs or a fabric that "doesn’t feel good." If you've got a sensitive toddler, it doesn’t matter that you can’t see anything wrong with her socks — she will make it clear that the socks' seam ridge near her toes is pressing on her in the wrong way, and she'll refuse to wear them.
She resists change
Lots of toddlers (and adults, for that matter) are resistant to change, but the sensitive toddler has a particular talent for digging in her heels — on almost every issue. Sometimes you'll swear she goes out of her way not to adapt.
For instance, if your partner takes her to day care one morning instead of you (her usual chauffeur), she may refuse breakfast, resist the car seat with all of her pint-sized might and cry at drop-off no matter what either of you do to appease her.
She's easily overwhelmed
Your little wallflower doesn’t like to be the center of attention — or receive much of any attention. Nor does she like to feel rushed or overwhelmed with too many tasks. One thing at a time, please!
She may pick up on your emotions easily
Sensitive children are often empathetic children, able to discern when someone is feeling happy, frustrated or sad. That’s not to say that she's especially in tune with her own emotions, though — she may have trouble voicing her own big feelings, which might trigger an occasional meltdown or two.
She harbors fears — both imaginary and real
Monsters under the bed are the tip of the iceberg. Your sensitive toddler may not be able to handle many story books or children's television programs because a certain character may spook her for a reason you can’t discern. Or she may develop a severe aversion to certain people (the mail carrier, for instance) or animals (including dogs and cats).
Her senses are heightened
To a sensitive toddler, noises seem louder, lights seem brighter, smells and tastes seem stronger. Certain sensations can feel overwhelming to her.
How do I know if my child is highly sensitive?
There's no definitive test that can tell you if your child is highly sensitive or not. In research studies, scientists use a scale to classify sensitivity, but that measurement isn't intended to be used as a formal diagnosis. Instead, your toddler may seem sensitive simply based on her temperament.
Keep in mind that it's perfectly normal for toddlers to experience fickle emotions and throw tantrums. Time and experience helps them grow out of common challenges, like picky eating or a fear of the dark. Your kiddo may change as she gets older.
Why is my child highly sensitive?
Sensitivity is par for the toddler course. At this age, children don't have much control over their emotions, and they can be prone to emotional highs one day and lows the next.
It's not known why some children are more sensitive than others, although some researchers theorize it's possibly Mother Nature’s way of hedging her bets — by creating some people with more resistance to their environment and others with greater sensitivity to it. It's important to remember though, that neither trait is necessarily better, just different.
How to support a highly sensitive child
Your sensitive children may need a lighter touch. Here’s how to embrace — not change — your child’s behavior.
Accept it
First, and most importantly, do not fight against your child's natural temperament. Some kids are simply wired differently. Many parents of sensitive toddlers find that acceptance is an enormous help.
Reclassify your child's behavior
Put a positive spin on your way of thinking — as in, not picky, but discerning; not difficult, but spirited; not fearful, but cautious. Describing your child — to yourself and others — in positive terms is a great start. This line of thinking may also help steer you away from a self-fulfilling prophecy — if you consider your child a sensitive toddler, she very well may become a sensitive toddler.
Look at it from her perspective
For practical matters like food and clothes, remind yourself that your sensitive toddler is not trying to drive you crazy — for her, the tag that itches really does make a shirt unwearable. So roll with it and try to do what you can to make your sensitive toddler's life easier. You're not spoiling her or catering to a tyrant’s whims — you’re making her world a better place.
Don't push her to conform
It's best not to force your sensitive toddler to confront dogs or try to desensitize her to loud noises and bright lights if they unnerve her. Instead, take your cues from your child and go at her pace. While she may find these situations easier as she gets older, she may not "grow out of it." Pressuring her to be someone she isn't might just cause her to dig in her heels even more, and could even make her feel ashamed.
Seek out an expert opinion
If you notice that your child's sensitivity is severe and getting in the way of normal functioning, then you may want to ask your doctor about screening for conditions like autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).
Toddlers with these disorders share some of the same behaviors that sensitive toddlers exhibit. Children who have autism, for example, can be sensitive to bright lights and certain textures or sounds, whereas kids who have ADHD may have frequent, intense tantrums. Keep in mind that while autism can be reliably diagnosed by the age of 2, an ADHD diagnosis usually isn’t reliable until the age 4 or 5. Talk to your doctor to assess the situation.
In all likelihood, your sensitive toddler will one day grow into a sensitive adult. And while she'll probably still still feel things intensely, the positive aspects of sensitivity — being creative, observant, intuitive, thoughtful, artistic and empathetic — will emerge even more as she gets older.
In fact, those wonderful aspects are probably already quite evident in your child.
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