It’s 8 p.m., and your toddler is refusing to go to bed. He may be yawning and rubbing his eyes, but he runs away as you try to wrestle him into his jammies. You, on the other hand, are wiped — and long for the moment that your own sleepy head hits the sack. Why does your toddler keep resisting bedtime?
There are a million reasons. But toddlers need their shut-eye — between 11 and 14 hours a day, including naps. Which means that these bedtime and naptime battles are worth fighting.
Kids who don’t get the sleep their growing bodies and minds need are crankier, more easily frustrated and not as healthy as their well-rested peers. Establishing good sleep habits (and banishing bedtime resistance) in your toddler may not happen overnight, but it’s one of the most important steps you can take as a parent.
Read on to learn why your toddler won’t sleep — and how to work around your tot’s fight to stay up.
Why won’t my toddler sleep?
There’s a long list of reasons, ranging from typical toddler defiance to temporary problems like teething, the sniffles or a brand new babysitter. So when your toddler won’t sleep, consider the following:
His naps may be too long ... or too short. If your toddler is snoozing too much during the day, or just drifting off in the car seat during errands without getting a full nap in, the result is the same. He’s either not sleepy enough when it’s time to go down for the night or he’s too tired to wind down. Either way, he’ll fight for the chance to stay up.
He doesn’t want to miss out on anything. If your cutie has older sibs, he may not want to nap or go to bed earlier than they do.
He’s got fears — of the dark, being alone or being away from you. Your tot’s thinking skills are growing, and so is his imagination. And when the room is dark, he gets frightened and cries out for you. Plus, at around 18 months, separation anxiety becomes an issue again like it probably was when he was younger. So when your tot is in the crib by himself, he feels scared and misses you.
He’s sick — and that stuffy nose or fever is making it harder for your little one to drift off to dreamland. You can give extra cuddles, but remember to go back to his usual bedtime routine after your cutie feels better.
He’s hit a milestone or is just about to. Mastering a skill, from walking and talking to playing pretend, can sometimes cause sleep regression and turn a good sleeper into a fussy one, at least for a couple of weeks.
He’s stressed by changes in his life. As much as you try to keep things on an even keel, change happens. And toddlers like routine, so even small changes, like giving up the breast or bottle, might throw your toddler’s sleep cycles off.
He’s not into rules. Toddlerhood is a time to test limits, so your child may just be pushing the boundaries to see if you’ll give in and let him stay up, skip the nap or crawl into bed with you.
How to get your toddler to sleep
Toddlers do best when they know what’s happening next, and that means setting up a soothing bedtime and naptime routine and then sticking to it as much as possible. Yes, it may get derailed by vacations and illnesses, but you want to get back on track as soon as you get home or your toddler gets well.
So no matter what’s keeping your tot up, consider starting or fine-tuning these strategies when your toddler is resisting bedtime:
Watch the clock, even on weekends. That means setting a firm time for waking up, napping and going to bed. This will condition your toddler’s natural body clock to become tired at about the same time every day. Then stick as closely as you can to that schedule. Waiting until your toddler is overtired is a recipe for bedtime resistance — overtired children often have trouble settling down because they’re all wound up.
Keep him active during the day. Make sure your toddler has plenty of time to play on the playground, run across the backyard or do whatever allows him to burn enough energy during the day. That way, he’s ready to hit the hay when it’s naptime or bedtime.
Create a relaxing bedtime routine. Give your tot something to look forward to by establishing a soothing bedtime routine. A bath, a snack, brushing teeth, some quiet stories and lullabies, and lots of cuddles are a good recipe for Zzzs. The naptime routine can be a little shorter — a couple of stories or songs and some snuggles, for example.
Give your toddler a say. If your toddler won’t sleep, maybe giving him some control over parts of his routine will ease the power struggle. He can choose between two board books or a couple of pairs of pajamas. If he’s scared of the dark, maybe he can pick out the nightlight or the lovey he takes to bed.
Ease him into sleep. Turn off all devices (including the TV) an hour before bedtime. Instead, dim the lights and play some calming tunes so that the shift to lights-out isn’t so dramatic. Make sure your child doesn't become engrossed in a stimulating or time-consuming project too close to his nap or bedtime (this isn't the time to bring out the jigsaw puzzle or do a craft).
Allow enough time for your tot’s bedtime routine. If, after the bath, books, snuggles, kisses, and one-more-sip-of-water game, you end up putting your little one to bed way past his bedtime — or if you find yourself shortchanging his regular routine because there isn’t enough time — it may be a sign that you need to start winding down a little earlier.
Send him to dreamland with a pal. Some kids want their blankie, others prefer teddy and some like a little touch of Mom (a T-shirt you wore that day, for instance). Having that comfort object by his side may make him fight bedtime (and you leaving the room) less. Don't become a human lovey by hanging with him until he falls asleep. That's a tough habit to break!
Stay one step ahead of procrastination ploys. He'll have a harder time coming up with last-minute requests if you anticipate his needs and have them at the ready (or make sure they’ve been taken care of in advance). Close the closet door, for instance, or have his cup of water waiting by the bed.
Turn down the noise. The room doesn’t have to be totally silent, but if your tot hears too much noise coming from the rest of the house, he won’t want to miss the fun. Try putting a white noise machine by the bed if you’ve got older children who stay up later.
Don't insist he drift off immediately — but do make sure he stays in bed (or at least the room). He can listen to some calming songs, look at books or share secrets with his stuffed animal friends. If he takes an hour or more to fall asleep every night, he might be hitting the sack too early. Gradually, over the course of a couple of weeks, push back his bedtime by about half an hour — but not too much that he ends up not getting enough sleep.
Try not to give in to whimpers. He may become weepy when you leave, but as heartbreaking as it is, try to resist the urge to rush back in. Wait about five to 10 minutes before returning, reassure him with a few sweet words and a pat on the back, and then leave again. More crying? Repeat the process until he falls asleep (he will, eventually … really!).
Act quickly if he’s on the move. If he keeps getting out of bed, tuck him back in right away. Don’t answer his questions or do more than state your rule (“It’s time to sleep”). Be as boring as you can be — you don’t want him to think that getting out of bed is fun or will be rewarded.
If your toddler has a nightmare, reassure him. Calm him down with a hug, soothing words and a gentle back rub. But don’t bring your tot into your bed because he’s scared after the nightmare — or it could turn into a habit.
Give sleep rewards. If all else fails, turn to a reward system. Start a sticker chart and award a gold star for every fuss-free naptime or bedtime. When he earns five stars, give him a prize (an outing with you, a tiny toy), then start again and go for 10. Speaking of rewards (and punishments): Don’t banish your tot to the bedroom if you give time-outs. The last thing you want is your child to associate being alone in his room with something bad.
Should I call the doctor if my toddler won’t sleep at bedtime or is resisting naptime?
The pediatrician will probably ask about your tot’s sleeping habits during each well-child checkup. If not, bring up the topic yourself to get your practitioner's insight into why your toddler won’t sleep. But if these bedtime or naptime battles are making you anxious or stressing you out, that’s a different story.
For one, your stress can make your toddler’s defiance even worse, which then turns into a vicious cycle. And if these struggles are a nightly event, they’re probably interfering with your ability to wind down and get Zzzs yourself.
If that’s the case, don’t wait for the next checkup — call your child’s pediatrician. Together you can talk through the issues or decide to bring your child in. Maybe there are developmental things going on — your child may be ready to drop naps altogether or skip the snack before bed. But it can’t hurt to get the doctor's take on how to get your toddler to sleep.
Just be sure to get the help you need so that your child learns good sleep habits early. Yes, it will take time, and yes, some (or many) days and nights might be rough. But as long as you’re consistent and establish a good bedtime routine that you can stick to, progress will happen.
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