You naturally assumed you’d fall head-over-heels in love with your baby the moment you gazed into her eyes. But for plenty of new parents, that deep sense of connection comes more slowly — one feeding, snuggle, bath or diaper change at a time.
The bond you form with your child is inevitable. But it can take some time to really cement, especially if you experienced a difficult delivery, your newborn has health problems or you're simply feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. In some cases, trouble bonding can also stem from postpartum depression.
This disconnect won’t last forever. Here’s a look at why some moms have a harder time bonding with their newborns, the simple things you can do to feel closer to your baby and when it might be time to seek help.
What is the parent-baby bond?
The parent-baby bond is a deep attachment or connection between a mom or a dad and a new baby. Any two people can bond, but the one that forms between a parent and a child is special — and there’s no other relationship like it. Bonding is what drives you to make sure your child’s needs are always meet, and what lets your baby know you’ll always be there for her.
Bonding begins the moment you respond to your baby’s (many) cries. With each answered call for milk, a diaper change or a cuddle, your newborn becomes more confident, secure and trusting of you.
That bond only gets stronger with time through more and more of your child’s everyday experiences. From the time you help her take her first steps (and safely let go!) to when you comfort her after a fall or a bad day at school, you’re telling your child, "I’m always here for you." And you’re learning yourself about your infinite capacity to love this little (growing) person.
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Perhaps unsurprisingly, having a healthy bond with you is essential for your baby’s self-esteem. It’s also her first model for all of the other relationships she’ll form throughout life. (No pressure, right?)
Is it normal if you don’t bond with your baby right away?
Your newborn comes into the world ready to bond with you, but you might not necessarily feel bonded to your baby the moment she’s placed into your arms. In the beginning, some parents find themselves responding to their newborn’s needs more out of obligation than deep love. After all, you just met!
That’s completely normal and not something you should feel bad or guilty about. The process of bonding with a newborn is different for every parent and every baby, and it doesn't come with a time limit.
Though some moms bond faster than others with their newborns (perhaps because they've had experience with infants before, their labors were easier or their babies are more responsive), few find that attachment forming with super-glue speed. The bonds that last a lifetime don't form overnight. Rather, they're built gradually, over weeks, months and years.
Why don’t some parents bond with their babies right away?
There are lots of reasons some parents don’t bond immediately with their newborns, and all are completely valid. Some of the most common include:
- You had a difficult delivery. Labor is always hard, of course. But if your birth was unusually long or painful or somehow felt traumatic, you might need some time to recover before you’re ready to bond.
- You’re dealing with postpartum depression. The intense hormonal changes that happen after giving birth can trigger unexpected emotions, including symptoms of postpartum depression or the baby blues, which can make it harder to feel close to your baby. Those feelings are never your fault. But you should talk with your doctor if you notice signs like crying, irritability, persistent sadness or trouble caring for your baby. If you’re having scary or intrusive thoughts about harming yourself or your baby, call 911 right away.
- Your baby is in the NICU. Some parents find it more difficult to connect in the midst of medically complex situations, especially if you can’t physically be close to your baby.
- You gave birth to multiples. It can be tougher to initially connect when your attention is divided among multiple infants (and you’re beyond exhausted).
- You adopted your baby. Not carrying or delivering your baby can sometimes make it feel harder to bond at first. It’s normal for adoptive parents to need some more time to get to know their baby before feeling deeply bonded.
Not feeling immediately bonded with your baby doesn’t make you a bad parent. In fact, as long as your newborn’s immediate needs are being met — feeding, cuddling, changing — she’s probably perfectly content (and may already start to feel bonded with you!).
That said, you should feel that sense of connection with your baby grow stronger in the hours and days after she’s born as things have a chance to settle. If you don’t feel like you’re bonding by the time you bring your baby in for her first checkup, let the pediatrician know. It’s possible you could be struggling with postpartum depression.
How to help promote bonding with your baby
Good news: Many of the everyday things you’re already doing will, over time, make you feel closer to your baby, so keep them up! Here's a checklist:
- Meet your baby’s basic needs. Answer her cries and try to decode what they mean. (You’ll become a pro in no time, promise.) As you spend more time caring for your baby, you'll find that love connection forming — one day (and one snuggle) at a time.
- Put in plenty of face time. The more nurturing you do, the more like a nurturer you'll feel. Though it may not seem like motherhood is coming easily at first, the more time you spend cuddling, feeding, massaging, singing to, cooing to and talking to your baby — i.e. the more time you spend face-to-face — the more natural it will start feeling, and the closer you'll become.
- Give her the play-by-play. She’s with you practically 24/7 anyway, so make an extra effort to fully include her in what’s going on. Wear her in a carrier when she's big enough and tell her about what you’re doing as you do it — like picking out groceries at the market, folding laundry or just walking around the neighborhood. You can start narrating your day for your baby right after she's born.
- Take care of yourself. It can be harder to feel connected when you’re downright exhausted or overwhelmed. Ask for the support you need so you can be fully present with your baby when you’re together. Trade duties and take shifts with your partner (it gives them a chance to bond too), ask family members or friends who stop by to help with chores and schedule regular time for someone else to be with the baby so you can do something just for you — even if it’s just taking a shower or a walk around the block.
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