My last baby turns 1 year old in a few weeks, and while I love watching her learn new skills and grow into her own little person more and more, I’m mourning the loss of the magical mess that is infancy.
While those first few weeks and months of a baby’s life are impossibly difficult, they are also full of sacred moments shared between the two of us that only I will remember.
1. The turtle stage
Newborns are strange-looking creatures. Squishy faces, misshapen heads, and they curl up into little balls from muscle memory. They can also be pretty boring, since they don’t really interact with anyone and can’t see more than a few feet in front of them. Their heads slump over and it can be pretty terrifying to be in charge of keeping them safe and sound. But underneath that terror, there’s an overwhelming joy and love for the turtle-like creature in your arms that makes you nearly burst.
2. All-nighters
The first night home from the hospital, my darling girl slept exactly not at all. By about 5:30 a.m., no longer able to stay awake while holding her (the only way she wouldn’t scream), I turned the television on and attempted to keep myself upright by reading the closed captions. I remember Jerry Orbach and Chris Noth trying to solve some murder, but other than that, I just remember thinking, “I am too old for this nonsense.”
I’m not an athlete, I’ve never so much as run one mile successfully, and I’m not going to win a Grammy for my mediocre singing, but my gracious, I can stay up all night with a baby. I can do it. And in those moments that I had to stay up all night with my baby (and there were more than just that first night), I felt powerful.
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3. Teething
Teething is the actual worst. The drool. The bite marks. The cranky, cranky baby that you’re not allowed to give whiskey to. And the diapers and diaper rashes that result are no picnic, either. But those little gummy smiles are only around for a hot minute, and I wish I could freeze them in time.
When the little ridges of teeth show up, there’s a renewed sense of accomplishment. Those strong teeth were waiting all along! In just a matter of months, my baby went from all gums to biting into biscuits. Amazing.
4. Making messes
A few weeks ago as I sat at my computer, absentmindedly scrolling through social media, I noticed a smell. A good smell this time, but a strong smell. Sweet, clean, difficult to identify from the other room. And then it hit me — it was the smell of baby wipes. At that same moment, I realized that the room was too quiet, and sure enough, I turned around to find that baby had scooted off somewhere. I rounded the corner and found her sitting in a giant pile of fluffy baby wipes, happily chewing on one of them.
That was the day I learned that my baby could pull up on the diaper cart and not only help herself to a package, but open it as well. While I hated to lose an entire pack of wipes, in her mess, my baby showed me her skills. I will miss learning about her through these mishaps.
5. Being tethered to Mom
During the first year of baby’s life, not being able to get away for more than a couple of hours at a time can be frustrating. I measure out trips to the grocery store, dinner with my husband, even the length of a movie by feedings, since my darling girl won’t take a bottle.
I have had to miss social events as well as professional ones because of her need for me, and while it's frustrating, there’s also something pretty incredible about being her person. Before I know it, she’ll be hopping out of the van and bounding into preschool like her sister, and I will no longer have the superpower of being the only person who can make her happy.
6. Poosplosions
There is no diaper currently in production that can protect against the occasional poop explosion, or poosplosion as we have come to call it in our house. Baby can be just hanging out in her bouncy seat, gurgling away, and the next thing you know, there is runny breast milk poop everywhere. We’ve had a few where there’s simply no saving the outfit and in order to avoid caking poo in my baby’s hair, I’ve had to cut her out of the onesie and peel it off sideways.
Perhaps her most memorable poosplosion was when, moments after I had changed her out of the heirloom christening gown, her grandpa caught a handful of baby poo as she slept soundly in his arms. Poosplosions are positively disgusting, but they are also hilarious.
7. An inability to communicate
Some people swear they can distinguish between their baby’s different cries: hungry, in need of comfort, tired. There are even experts who claim that different sounds mean different needs should be met. I believe that others have this ability, but I do not. So when baby cries, I find myself checking diapers, bouncing her and trying to hand her food, all while she glares at me through her tears, frustrated that I don’t know what she wants.
As she grows and learns words and signs, I am so glad that my baby can tell me what she needs. But when I hear her siblings fighting and calling one another names, I know that I will miss the sweet, gurgling language we share now.
Yes 
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