Putting your baby or toddler into your bed to sleep isn’t safe or recommended, especially before age 1. Still, some families fall into co-sleeping — a term often used interchangeably with bed-sharing — if it seems like the only way that everyone can actually get some solid sleep.
And once you find yourself in that position, it can be tough to get out. Even though you might be craving some privacy (or just not getting a foot in your face in the middle of the night), chances are your tot is more than happy to continue right on with your current arrangement.
So how can you bring your little one on board with sleeping in her own space — and keep the bedtime tears to a minimum?
The truth is that stopping co-sleeping with an older baby or toddler isn’t always easy, and it’s unlikely that you’ll be able to make the change overnight. You can still make it happen though.
Here’s what you need to know about how to stop co-sleeping, whether there’s a right (or wrong) time to do it and how to make the transition as smooth as possible.
When to stop co-sleeping
Is co-sleeping a bad habit that needs to stop when your child reaches a certain age?
When most parents hear co-sleeping, they’re likely to think of bed-sharing — where your baby or toddler sleeps in the same bed as you.
And even though some families do it, it is not a safe or recommended practice for babies. Bed-sharing with infants under 1 is known to raise the risk of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS), and the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) along with the Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) both strongly advise against it.[1]
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(Room-sharing — having your baby sleep in your room in her own crib or bassinet — is also sometimes called co-sleeping. Experts recommend room-sharing for the first six months and possibly a year, since it can reduce the risk of SIDS.[2] But parents shouldn't feel guilty if they don't make it the full 12 months, as moving baby earlier is fine and sharing a room for an entire year may not work for all families.)
There aren’t as many safety concerns about co-sleeping in the same bed once your child hits toddlerhood, since your sweetie is no longer at risk of SIDS after age 1. But research does show that the practice can lead to less, poorer quality sleep for parents and is tied to worse mental health outcomes for kids. In other words, it’s still usually not the best choice.
Bottom line: Sharing your bed with your baby isn’t safe, and experts recommend against it in the first place. So if your sweetie is under 1 and she’s been snoozing in your bed, it’s worth moving her into her own sleeping space as soon as possible.
How to wean a toddler off co-sleeping
You’re likely well aware that your toddler is a creature of habit. So if she’s spent her whole life sleeping within arm’s reach of you, moving into her own bed and room will be a big adjustment. But it can absolutely be done, as long as you make a plan and stick with it — and exercise plenty of patience.
Here are some smart strategies for making the transition from co-sleeping easy (or at least easier) on everyone.
Set the stage for your sweetie.
Talk about the change ahead of time to help your child mentally prepare. For toddlers over 2, especially 2 1/2 and up, play up the fact that your cutie is a big kid now who is ready to spend the night in her own bed and room.
It’s also okay to point out that parents need time by themselves. Help your tot feel confident by telling her that you know she’ll do great, and reassure her that she’ll get used to her bed and room, even if the change feels hard at first.
You won’t be able to have the same kind of conversation with a younger toddler, especially one under 18 months. But you can still explain what’s happening in a matter-of-fact way by telling your tot, "This is your bedroom. This is where you sleep."[3]
Find the right time.
Choose a period when life is relatively calm and no other big changes — like a new baby, new school or caregiver, weaning or potty training — are happening. Moving your tot into a new room at the same time that she’s dealing with other major events can leave her feeling overwhelmed or even scared.
Pick a plan — and be consistent.
While sleep training methods can be effective for babies, your toddler will likely have an easier time making the switch gradually as opposed to going from co-sleeping to sleeping in her own bed and room cold turkey.
Going from spending all night next to you to spending all night alone in one fell swoop would, understandably, be pretty hard!
Whatever plan you ultimately decide on, the key is sticking with it. If you relent or change course by letting your little one back into your bed even for a night or two, it’ll only prolong the transition and make it harder for everyone.
As for what kind of gradual approach is best? There’s no right or wrong way to transition from co-sleeping, and your pediatrician can certainly weigh in on what might work well for your child. But here are some ideas worth considering:
- If your child has been in your bed, bring the crib or bed into your room. Instead of putting your toddler in her own room from the get-go, put her crib in your bedroom with you to start with. Once she's adjusted to sleeping entirely in her own space, move the crib back to her room, which allows her to make one transition over time.
- Have a sleepover. Once your sweetie has successfully mastered sleeping in her own crib or bed (or she was doing that in your room from the start), move her bed into her room and sleep in the room with her. Set up a cot or a sleeping bag on the floor and spend a few nights in there to help her feel reassured. You can gradually move closer to the door, leave a little earlier each night, or try a combination of both. Another variation is the chair method: Position yourself in a chair beside the crib or bed to offer quiet comfort while your little one settles in. Gradually move the chair a little farther away the next night — and the next — until you're out the door and she's on her own.
- Start with naps. Not crazy about staying in the room until your little one falls asleep at night? Another option is to have her nap in her room first, then once she’s gotten used to that, graduate to having her sleep in her bed at night.
More tips for how to stop co-sleeping
Aside from giving your child an age-appropriate heads-up and taking a gradual but consistent approach, is there anything else you can do to set your sweetie up for sleep success? Here’s some more solid, expert-backed advice.[4]
Check your bedtime routine.
A calm, soothing pre-bed routine helps your little one wind down and see bedtime as simply another part of her day. A bath, a soothing book or two and some sweet snuggle time is an easy way to set the stage for sleep, but of course, customize the routine to fit your family’s needs.
Make your child feel involved — and give her some control.
Your toddler may be more amenable to sleeping in a new space if she can make the room feel like her own. Together, pick out a fun fitted sheet for the crib or a sheet and blanket set for her toddler bed, and personalize the space with a few beloved stuffed animals.
Come bedtime, decide ahead of time on what can slide and what’s non-negotiable. If your toddler wants to read the same story twice instead of picking out two different books or insists on taking a certain stuffed animal to bed, letting her have her way might make for a smoother night’s sleep.
Make sure your tot is tired — but not overtired.
An excited, energetic toddler is tough to get to bed — and the same is true for one who's overly exhausted. Make sure your sweetie’s nap doesn’t run so late that she’s still buzzing before bedtime. But on the other hand, make sure she’s tucked in before she gets overtired — which can lead to a cranky adrenaline surge.
Find other ways to keep close.
Replace co-sleeping cuddles with other activities, so your cutie doesn’t feel like she’s missing out on the one-on-one time with you that she loves.
Give her a massage or stroke her hair and talk about her day for a few minutes once she’s in the crib or bed before saying goodnight, for instance, or take 10 minutes to read books and snuggle in the morning before starting your day.
Moving your toddler into her own bed and room can be a big milestone for both of you. While it’s normal for the change to be challenging, as long as you’re consistent, your cutie will eventually adjust. And then you’ll all reap the rewards of better sleep — and a little more privacy.
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