Not all toddlers are the same when it comes to separation anxiety. Some tots need to be pried — kicking and screaming — from their parent's arms, while other kids happily wave adios with barely a look back.
But even those toddlers who cheerfully say ciao most of the time without trouble will sometimes find themselves ill at ease without their parents. For those times your child does come down with a case of toddler separation anxiety (and it happens to the best of 'em!), here's how to cope.
What is separation anxiety in toddlers?
Separation anxiety happens when a child exhibits fearful or anxious behavior in response to a parent leaving. You might've first seen it when your little one was between 4 and 9 months, but it can persist into the toddler and preschool years.[1]
Separation anxiety in babies can happen when an infant comes to understand the concept of object permanence and begins to feel unsettled when a parent leaves her sight — whether you're heading off to work or just walking into another room.
These days your tot might cry or be extra clingy when being left with another caregiver (even one who's familiar) or being dropped off at day care. And she still may protest or blubber when you stray at home, like when you go to the bathroom or run outside to grab the mail. She might stick to you like glue in new or unfamiliar situations until she feels sufficiently warmed up.
A bout of separation anxiety can sometimes cause sleep snafus too. Your toddler might have trouble falling asleep without you nearby or wake up in the middle of the night crying for you.
How long does separation anxiety last?
The cries or screams when you kiss your sweetie goodbye in the morning or leave her with a sitter for some much needed grown-up time can be tough to stomach. But even though you might spend the next few hours mulling over her moodiness, chances are your toddler will move on from the episode within a few minutes once something else grabs her attention.
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Keep in mind, too, that these tearful partings won't last forever. Separation anxiety tends to peak around age 3 and ease up after that.[2]
Still, every child is different. Some might experience separation anxiety as a single, short blip, while others have a hard time saying goodbye throughout toddlerhood. It's also normal for toddlers and preschoolers to go through phases of being more or less clingy with those farewells.
What causes separation anxiety in toddlers?
Many babies first start to get uncomfortable with separations when they develop object permanence, the idea that people or objects still exist even when they're out of sight. At the same time, their understanding of time is almost nonexistent.
As a result? A parent leaving their view — even for just a few minutes! — can feel catastrophic.
These feelings can continue and even grow in toddlerhood, as your little one becomes more independent and experiences more situations where the two of you are apart or where they feel uncertain. It's not uncommon for separation anxiety to crop up during big transitions — like when a tot starts day care, has a new caregiver (such as a nanny), another sibling comes along, or your family moves to a new home.
It's likely that your sweet pea's protests will grow more intense when she's not feeling her best, too. Being hungry, overtired or sick are almost guaranteed to turn toddler crankiness up a notch (or ten notches).[3]
How to deal with separation anxiety in toddlers
Separation anxiety might be a typical part of toddlerhood, but that doesn't make it fun (for your munchkin or you). These strategies can help your adieus feel a little bit easier.
Prepare her in advance for the separation — and the reunion too
The mere mention of an evening with the babysitter might provoke tears — but better to talk about it in advance. That way your toddler won't be blindsided when the sitter knocks at the door, which is a surefire recipe for a meltdown.
As always with toddlers, a brief and upbeat explanation works better than a long-winded one. "Marisa is coming tonight while we go out to dinner, and then we'll come back home!" Rehearse this over and over, with the emphasis on coming back.
Help your toddler get to know her caregiver
Sometimes you can alleviate even major toddler separation anxiety if your little one is especially fond of the caregiver or sitter. So help your child get used to her sitter in advance (whether it's a relative or a neighbor) by having that person come over to play with your child a few times while you're home.
If your toddler is comfortable with the person, this will make leaving her alone with the sitter a lot easier — on both you and your child.
Plan activities for her to do while you're gone
Before you leave, hand your tot a new coloring book to use with the babysitter, or leave a few of your toddler's favorite games out. Say, "Look what you can do while I'm gone. You get to play Candy Land!" The new (or favorite) activity may be distracting enough to curb toddler separation anxiety.
Give your toddler an end goal
If you can, give your tot a concrete event that will signal your return. Toddlers have no concept of time, but if you tell your child you'll be back when Daniel Tiger is over (tell the babysitter when to cue it up), or after lunch, or when she wakes up in the morning, she may find it easier to cope.
Give your child kisses to put in her pocket — and ask for her kisses for your pocket
A great trick to ease toddler separation anxiety: Tell your darling tot that whenever she misses you she can reach into her pocket and your kisses will always be there for her. Then tell her that you'll be able to do the same. That way she'll never be without a piece of you, plus a little ritual like this will help your tot understand it's time for you to go.
If kisses are too intangible, you can give your child a small object — nothing valuable in case she loses it! — or you could even draw a heart or other symbol on her hand and a matching one on your hand.
Enlist the help of a lovey
If the concepts above are too abstract for your child to understand, make sure she has her favorite blankie or doll to comfort her while you're away.
Be brief and positive when it's time to leave
A drawn-out, sentimental good-bye will produce exactly the opposite response you want. That's because if you show worry when you leave, your toddler will pick up on it right away, causing separation anxiety to set in.
Instead, when you need to walk out the door, give your child a hug and a kiss, and say a cheery, "I love you! I'll see you soon!"
Don't call on the phone to say hi
Checking in might seem like a good idea — especially if your tot was a wreck when you left — but don't. (If you must call the babysitter for reassurance, keep it between the two of you.)
Hearing your voice after she has pulled herself together will only remind your toddler that she misses you, and chances are she'll dissolve all over again.
Be casual when you come home
Be as down-to-earth about the reunion as you were about the departure. The idea that you want to stick in your child's mind is that being without you for a short period is easy as pie.
If you act as if you've returned from exile, you signal to your tot that letting go of you is dangerous (since you're so relieved and overwhelmingly happy to have her back in your arms!), which only fosters further toddler separation anxiety.
Instead, say "I'm back!" just as if separating were no big deal — and with any luck, it will be.
When to talk to a doctor
It's common for your toddler to express a range of emotions, including getting sad, angry or downright defiant when it's time for you to say goodbye.
But you should let your child's pediatrician know if your child seems sad or withdrawn most of the time, or if her anxiety over separating causes her to become nauseous or vomit, makes her short of breath, or if she has nightmares about being separated from you. These could be signs of separation anxiety disorder or depression, both of which are rare in toddlers.[4]
Pay attention, too, if your child shows an unusually strong resistance to her day care or a certain caregiver. That could be her way of communicating that there's a problem with the situation that needs to be addressed.
Toddler separation anxiety can be tough on everyone while you're in the thick of it. But in time your little one will come to feel more comfortable doing things without you. And one day, you might even find yourself missing your formerly clingy companion.
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