There are plenty of signs indicating your toddler is ready to be potty trained: He's at the right age, he's staying dry for longer stretches and he follows you along to the bathroom to investigate what you're doing in there.
There's just one key sign that's missing: an actual desire to use the potty himself. Even though plenty of his peers are taking steps towards potty training, your tot is 100 percent uninterested in ditching his diapers.
Potty training resistance can be frustrating, not to mention challenging to navigate. (Should you try to just make him use the toilet? Or is that wrong?) Here are a few reasons your child might be putting on the bathroom brakes — and what you can do about it.
What is potty training resistance?
Potty training resistance is just what it sounds like: when a child is capable of being potty trained but just doesn't want to. Instead of agreeing to try the toilet (which he always says no to when you ask), your tot continues to go to the bathroom in his diapers. He might also specifically ask to keep wearing diapers or even try to hold in his poop, which could cause him to become constipated.
Why your toddler refuses to potty train
For a toddler, control is often the ultimate goal. He might not be able to dictate how long you stay at the playground or whether peas get served for dinner. But he can call the shots on where and when he decides to pee or poop. So if he's overwhelmed by authority or just wants to test how far he can push the limits, he might meet your growing potty insistence with increasing potty resistance.
Fear can play a role too.[1] Some children are terrified of falling into the toilet or are scared of the flushing mechanism ("Hey, if stuff disappears down that hole, I might too!") or the loud noise flushing makes. Some toddlers may also worry that they're actually losing a part of themselves when they poop and flush.
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Signs of potty training resistance
There's little mistaking being in the throes of potty training resistance. If trying to get your toddler to use the toilet feels like a constant battle — even though you know or believe he's capable of potty training — it's happening. Your tot might exhibit the following signs of potty training resistance:
Refusing to sit on the potty.
Being scared of sitting on the potty.
Peeing or pooping in his diaper on purpose.
Holding back pee or poop.
Experiencing pain or burning when peeing or constipation (from holding it for too long).
Ways to overcome potty training resistance
There are several steps you can take to try to help your child get into potty training and get out of this stubborn "I don't want to!" phase:[2]
Make it your child's choice. Let him know he can switch to big boy underwear or Pull-Ups and use the potty whenever he wants to, and that you're there to help when he asks. Then give it a rest and don't talk about it for a while. Remember: The more you push him, the more likely he is to push back.
Keep calm. Losing your cool probably won't change your child's mind. Yelling or threatening might even scare him.
Ease his fears. If your tot is afraid of the toilet's flushing sound or falling in, support his arms while he balances on the seat (or use a potty seat). You can also refrain from flushing until he's out of the room, then gradually get him used to the sound.
Offer control in other areas. If you give your child choices in what to wear or what to eat for lunch, he may feel less inclined to resist when it comes to the toilet.
Provide an incentive. Without making a big deal of it, casually offer a prize like placing stickers on a chart for every potty success and giving a reward after a certain number is collected. (But phase out these rewards once he's warmed up to pottying.)
Read books about the potty. Stories of big kids or heroes using the toilet can be especially helpful if your toddler's main barrier is fear.
Recruit help. Ask a neutral adult figure, such as your child's babysitter or a grandparent, to put in a plug for the potty. Often a comment from an outside figure will have more of an effect than the pleadings of a parent. You can point out how an older sibling, cousin or friend uses the potty too.
Don't call him a baby. Criticizing him for wanting to wear diapers and saying that it's babyish will likely backfire. Same goes for punishing him for not trying the potty or having an accident.
Take a break and be patient. Make it a non-issue and eventually your child will relinquish his diapers. (Yes, it will happen.)
When to call the doctor
It's common for your toddler to push back about using the potty from time to time. (Remember, control!) But in some cases, prolonged potty training resistance could be a sign of a behavioral or health problem. Let the pediatrician know if:
Your child is 3 1/2 and still hasn't gotten on board with potty training.
Your child has been resistant for several weeks, even though you feel like you've tried everything.
Your child says it hurts or burns when he pees.
You suspect that your child is holding back his poop or that resistance is making him constipated.
You notice blood in your child's urine or stool.
Like walking or talking, potty training is a developmental skill that children master at their own speed. That's worth repeating — they'll do it when they're ready, not when you are! Some are up for it before 24 months, others not until after age 3. Most, however, fall somewhere in between.
Whenever your child is ready to take the plunge, keep in mind that the age at which he finally gives up his diapers has nothing to do with intelligence or success in other skills. So be patient. He'll be using the potty like a pro before too long.
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