Help Me, Heidi! I Don't Feel as Connected to My Second Pregnancy

The truth is, there’s nothing like a first pregnancy — or a first baby. Everything you experience that first time — from the elation to the trepidation, from the over-the-top excitement to the over-the-top nerves, from the transformation of your body to the transformation of your priorities, from the magical moments (hearing your baby’s heartbeat! feeling your baby kick!) to the miserable ones (those aches and pains! those swollen ankles!), from the giddy anticipation of your baby’s arrival to the overwhelming uncertainty over becoming a parent — it’s all brand new. Life changing. Game changing. Like nothing you’ve ever felt before, or will feel again.

Sure, there are exceptions. For example, excitement may run higher during a second, planned pregnancy if the first happened unexpectedly under less-than-ideal circumstances. Or joy may be more palpable during a second, more comfortable pregnancy than during a miserable, complication-marred first. Or maybe a long wait in between pregnancies makes every moment feel brand new, even when it technically isn’t.

But for most of us, me included, a second pregnancy and a second baby can’t compare with firsts — and, actually, they shouldn’t. That’s not only okay, it’s completely understandable. You and your body have been there, done that. Even your breasts may not be as pumped as they were the first time – they may grow more slowly or less impressively the second time. 

The second round of momentous pregnancy firsts may seem less momentous and less worthy of celebration and social media breaking than the first round was: your first positive HPT (which ended up being your first of 15, because who could stop at one confirmation the first time?), your first pregnancy announcement, your first pair of maternity jeans (that you bought before you really needed to, just because it made you feel so … pregnant!), your first fetal movement, your first baby hiccups, your first baby shower, your first time decorating a nursery, your first time buying baby clothes (okay, way overbuying baby clothes) … your first time holding your very own newborn. Magical, even if you had no clue what you were doing back then.

So if it doesn’t feel like the first time, it’s not surprising. If you’re not focused on this pregnancy like you were on the first one, or as focused on this baby as you were on the first — it’s for a very good, very loveable, very huggable, and let’s face it, probably very demanding reason: your first baby. After all, being an expectant mom isn’t a full-time preoccupation anymore, because, well, being a mom already keeps you occupied 24-7 — especially if your first little one is still very little and needy.

You are most definitely not a bad mother. You’re a completely normal mother, one who’s so good at nurturing her first baby that she can’t help but nurture her second at least as well. The fact that you’re already trying to love your babies equally (and feeling guilty about the fact that you can’t, no matter how hard you try) proves that beyond a shadow of all those nagging self-doubts.

And here’s another truth, one I learned (and that Emma learned) in the trenches of second-time parenting. You can’t love your second baby exactly the same as you love your first, because they aren’t the same baby. Just as every pregnancy is different, every baby is different. The love will be just as deep, just as meaningful and miraculous, just as tender and unconditional — but it will be as different as your babies are different from each other.  But remember this: Not only will there be enough love in your heart for both of your babies, the love will multiply as you learn to love each one of them individually and together.

You have this, mom — and your babies are lucky, already, to have you as their mom.

Hugs,

Heidi

p.s. All of this should change, and most likely will change. But if feelings of disconnection don’t resolve — or if you have symptoms of depression, anxiety or other mood disorders either during or following this pregnancy — make sure you seek help so you can fully enjoy parenting both your babies.